This day has been all over the place. It hasn’t gone to plan, that’s for sure. A lot hasn’t gone to plan lately and mostly, that’s great. It’s because I’ve crossed this barrier I didn’t know existed. Not until I was over it. Now that I am, everything is fresh and new and exciting in ways they haven’t been before. It’s quite beautiful really. This place I’m in is innocent and carries naivety. Something I’d have hated before, but love now.
When I crossed this barrier, it felt like starting over. Like I need to learn everything over again, but that’s not the case. It’s my responses that have shifted. I’m not responding from a place of trauma but instead, a place of innocent wonder. Things that didn’t hurt my feelings before, do now. And things that used to bother me, don’t. So I still know what I know but I’m not coming at things from a place of PTSD. Or brainwashing.
I use brainwashing because so often we soak in the negative things people say about us and believe that these things are true. More often than not, they’re lies. I’m not saying to ignore feedback from others but there’s a difference between feedback and attack on your character. Feedback has love and the desire to communicate at the root while the other is designed to evoke a negative emotion and has little to do with communication. In the past, I’ve allowed myself to listen to those that have hurt me over those that illustrate love for me.
I’d given in to bullying and bullshit from others far too often. People that had no place or right to tell me who I was or discuss my integrity when they refused to grow or acknowledge the harm they’d caused others. I’d allowed abusive peoples’ voices of hate to be louder than my own. And that’s been unfortunate. I thought I’d silenced these liars but I’d only muted them, until these last couple of weeks, that is. Now, they are silenced, and this silencing has led me to some powerful experiences and conversations.
Today, I met an amazing woman doing really good work. I’d seen her before but not spoken until today and I’m so impressed by her. We have a lot of overlap in what we’re doing with trauma work and PTSD and rape culture, and it was so beautiful to just sit and chat about giving people the tools and support and structure they need.
Then I met with a friend and we discussed similar things. Except with the friend, we discussed very personal and hard to deal with things. But we did it. We talked about hard things. Because like me, this friend wants to grow and heal and would rather face reality–even when hard as fuck–than live a lie or in denial. I love having these sorts of people in my life. People that don’t run from their trauma or suppress it, but instead, steer into it and open the door to healing. I’ve got several people close to me doing this right now and it’s so powerful. They are powerful because they can be vulnerable and honest and through that, heal. Some are just beginning their journey of healing and others are nearing the end, but all are amazing, wonderful people. I’m so grateful to have their support and to be able to support them as well.
Things have changed so much in these last two weeks. After working through my last bit of trauma, D rewarded me with something very special. I was so happy and giggly and dropped into the sweetest space, but that wasn’t what changed so much for me. The following day, as I was trying so hard to explain things to D, I couldn’t. I didn’t understand. The previous evening, I’d submitted to him in ways I’d not before. In ways that took years for me to build up to. And I’d honestly believed that when that occurred, it would free me of some deep misconception or self-judgment. But it didn’t.
As we were talking and he was making me come like a good little whore for him, I suddenly got it. Everything snapped into place and my eyes opened wide. I knew what was wrong.
The problem was that my body was on board with my deep submission to him–and therefore safety under him–but not my head. I still had a disconnect. The more I opened myself to what that disconnect was, it became clear. I’d wanted something very specific all my life and never gotten it. I wanted it so badly I even tried to fulfill these needs myself. But it was never enough. I needed someone else to do it. I needed D to do it.
So I told him.
I was panicking even as I said it. I both wanted it and didn’t. I knew the moment it happened, that everything would change. I also knew the change would be good, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let go of my control. And that’s what it really was. It was about me keeping that illusion of control.
The moment I told him what I needed, his response was swift. In fact, I’m not even sure that what I asked for would have been so effective if he hadn’t responded so swiftly. But he did. And I instantly tried to think of ways to get out of it knowing full well he wouldn’t allow that without a safeword being called. But I didn’t call out a safeword. And the moment I was there, in the exact place and position I’d needed to be in so desperately, my entire world changed.
I’d needed this thing so fucking desperately, but no one had given it to me until that day. Not in the way D had. This lifelong need was suddenly met and without shaming or guilt or judgment. Just a need met. And that one seemingly small thing to many, changed everything for me because I’d never had it. The moment I did have it, my world became huge and small at the same time. I felt powerful and powerless at the same time. Both submissive and dominant. These things that had somehow separated into segments, part of me or aspects of a whole, were suddenly one.
I was whole.
I cried so hard. It was so cathartic and healing and wonderful. I’d never felt so safe in my life, even with my world suddenly so much bigger. I even started seeing things I hadn’t before. Things in others but mostly in myself.
In these last two weeks, the PTSD responses I’d grown so used to, disappeared. Just gone. This doesn’t mean I don’t have stuff to work on. Because that’s still there. But I’m not looking through the PTSD glasses. It’s just stuff to work on. This has changed how I feel and manage stimulus.
I share all of this because it’s played into today. Into many wonderful things that have happened since D gave me the gift of meeting my deepest and most desired need. The woman I met today and had such an amazing conversation with, I’d met before. Only I’d not felt like I could approach her. I felt too small and judged to speak with her and I hadn’t even known her. And my friend, the person I’m suddenly looking forward to hearing from and seeing, I’m able to see in a different way. I’ve been attracted to her for a while, but PTSD was stopping me from really seeing her. But not anymore. So this new world has opened for me and I’m in love with life in a way I’ve never been before.
Is life perfect? No, of course not. Hell, my internet got shut off for three hours today because when I’d paid the bill last month, I’d forgotten to switch out the card. Three hours it took to solve this not so mysterious mystery, and I lost those hours of work time over a ridiculous mistake. But so what? I got a good conversation in while that was being sorted.
Then my office program decided to stop populating and saved weird bits of information in files that went out to people and I had to redo several of them. Why? NO clue. Just happened. So what?
These are the sorts of things that would have shut me down before. Or triggered me into high anxiety or a panic attack. The embarrassment and shame and guilt over screwing up a bill or messing up files somehow would have felt too overwhelming and I’d have turned it all off. But not now.
Life will always bring challenges. That’s not going to change while we’re alive because life, by nature, is about constant change. With change comes challenges. But I don’t have to look through PTSD goggles anymore. I can see with my own eyes. And life is so much more beautiful than I realized.
I know that D giving me what I needed was huge and kind and loving. I’m grateful he met this need and didn’t shame me for it. When he tells me he’s proud of me now, I feel it all the way through my body. It’s like a wave of peace and reassurance moving through me.
But I know that this is because of me too. Because I was finally able to ask for what I needed in order to let go. So often I give all the credit to others for my growth but I did this. I asked for what I needed. I was brave. Then I was open and received, and healed so much because of it. So I’m grateful that D gave me this but also grateful for myself. For being able to finally speak up and ask for what I needed most. I stopped standing in my own way and the moment I did, that emptiness in me left. I’d been the one keeping it empty and hollow and now, it’s full of love and life. Innocence and wonder. Beauty. Freedom. That’s what’s inside me.
In these last two weeks, I can count at least five things that occurred that would have triggered me or shut me down in the past. But none have. This is why it’s so important to be able to ask for what we need. Even if we get a ‘no’, at least we’ve tried. I’ve known for a long time what I’ve needed, just not why. I knew and refused to ask for it. I continued to suffer needlessly. Maybe now was just the right time, but I’ll never know. What I do know is that I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Because this is a happiness that isn’t tainted by someone else’s worldview, by trauma, by self-shaming or judgment… it’s just goodness. Pure bliss.
And it’s amazing.