This is probably going to sound like a cryptic post. And in some ways, it kind of is. Not because I need it to be, but because I only need a simple truth. And going into all the explanations of what I mean would complicate things needlessly. So, plain and cryptic, that’s what this will be.
Sometimes an answer is so simple. Yet I build it up and pile more and more excuse and denial on top of it and eventually, it becomes this mountain that feels impossible to climb. I’ve been doing this for years. I’d made some mighty giant mountains for myself. Miles of rough terrain and steep rocky cliffs, and all along, I’d left myself this neat little tunnel right through the middle. A tunnel that, once I looked, was open and lit with shimmery lights, smooth surfaces, blossoming flowers in the most impossible places, and I’d left it all there for myself. For when I was ready.
I suspect it’s because I didn’t want those mountains. I’d only created them because the simplest truth was also the hardest to accept. It had to be this big elaborate thing. Because big elaborate things feel better sometimes than having to accept that someone didn’t love me, care for me, respect me, see me, accept me… and that those that failed me made it hard to for me to accept myself. Big elaborate things allowed excuses to mask these simple truths. Surely it couldn’t be that simple, right?
Yet the more I accepted the simple truths, the more I saw these mountains didn’t exist. And the beautiful tunnel was actually just a wide open field lush with life. I’d seen it as a tunnel because I couldn’t accept the mountains didn’t exist. With the mountains gone, there is no need for a tunnel of light.
It’s hard to explain the process I’ve been going through. I’ve had some intense weeks of personal growth lately. One day right after another. And the more these mountains have fallen away, the more I can see the simpler truth without much effort. Some of these truths have been so obvious that I have to literally shake my head for not having seen them until now. But at least I’m seeing them.
D has seen me since day one. I knew he did. I just didn’t want to admit it. Admitting that would have meant admitting that I’d hidden myself under these mountains, along with all of the truths about others I didn’t want to face either. But he saw me. Kept seeing me. And he was patient with me as I’ve slowly been digging myself out of the mountains I’d created. D is truth. What he saw and sees is truth. And that helped me see the truth as well.
Now that I’m not smothered with these heavy, dangerous mountains of lies, life is just simple. Even when it’s complex, it’s simple. Which means life is also joyous. The simpler things get, the faster answers to things that vexed me for years seem to arrive. Just boom and the answer is right in front of me. Sometimes literally as I’m walking down the street and see a giant sign that meets a need. A sign that I’d walked past before but not actually seen because I’d been so smothered with the treacherous peaks.
I’m in a really good place. I’ve been consistently growing and experiencing a different quality of life with each step. The more I grow, the better life gets. It’s beautiful. And I know that I’ve had support along the way, good, real support. It’s how I’ve been able to get to this place of such deep understanding. The more I see the simple parts of life, the purest parts, the more gratitude I carry with me all the time.
It feels so good to be accepted and truly seen. Not just by others, but by myself. The latter part was the most crucial, but also the one thing I couldn’t do until someone else saw me first. Someone I trusted completely that could hold me up until I could see myself.
Life is so beautiful.