The Sweetest Space

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This day has been all over the place. It hasn’t gone to plan, that’s for sure. A lot hasn’t gone to plan lately and mostly, that’s great. It’s because I’ve crossed this barrier I didn’t know existed. Not until I was over it. Now that I am, everything is fresh and new and exciting in ways they haven’t been before. It’s quite beautiful really. This place I’m in is innocent and carries naivety. Something I’d have hated before, but love now.

When I crossed this barrier, it felt like starting over. Like I need to learn everything over again, but that’s not the case. It’s my responses that have shifted. I’m not responding from a place of trauma but instead, a place of innocent wonder. Things that didn’t hurt my feelings before, do now. And things that used to bother me, don’t. So I still know what I know but I’m not coming at things from a place of PTSD. Or brainwashing.

I use brainwashing because so often we soak in the negative things people say about us and believe that these things are true. More often than not, they’re lies. I’m not saying to ignore feedback from others but there’s a difference between feedback and attack on your character. Feedback has love and the desire to communicate at the root while the other is designed to evoke a negative emotion and has little to do with communication. In the past, I’ve allowed myself to listen to those that have hurt me over those that illustrate love for me.

I’d given in to bullying and bullshit from others far too often. People that had no place or right to tell me who I was or discuss my integrity when they refused to grow or acknowledge the harm they’d caused others. I’d allowed abusive peoples’ voices of hate to be louder than my own. And that’s been unfortunate. I thought I’d silenced these liars but I’d only muted them, until these last couple of weeks, that is. Now, they are silenced, and this silencing has led me to some powerful experiences and conversations.

Today, I met an amazing woman doing really good work. I’d seen her before but not spoken until today and I’m so impressed by her. We have a lot of overlap in what we’re doing with trauma work and PTSD and rape culture, and it was so beautiful to just sit and chat about giving people the tools and support and structure they need.

Then I met with a friend and we discussed similar things. Except with the friend, we discussed very personal and hard to deal with things. But we did it. We talked about hard things. Because like me, this friend wants to grow and heal and would rather face reality–even when hard as fuck–than live a lie or in denial. I love having these sorts of people in my life. People that don’t run from their trauma or suppress it, but instead, steer into it and open the door to healing. I’ve got several people close to me doing this right now and it’s so powerful. They are powerful because they can be vulnerable and honest and through that, heal. Some are just beginning their journey of healing and others are nearing the end, but all are amazing, wonderful people. I’m so grateful to have their support and to be able to support them as well.

Things have changed so much in these last two weeks. After working through my last bit of trauma, D rewarded me with something very special. I was so happy and giggly and dropped into the sweetest space, but that wasn’t what changed so much for me. The following day, as I was trying so hard to explain things to D, I couldn’t. I didn’t understand. The previous evening, I’d submitted to him in ways I’d not before. In ways that took years for me to build up to. And I’d honestly believed that when that occurred, it would free me of some deep misconception or self-judgment. But it didn’t.

As we were talking and he was making me come like a good little whore for him, I suddenly got it. Everything snapped into place and my eyes opened wide. I knew what was wrong.

The problem was that my body was on board with my deep submission to him–and therefore safety under him–but not my head. I still had a disconnect. The more I opened myself to what that disconnect was, it became clear. I’d wanted something very specific all my life and never gotten it. I wanted it so badly I even tried to fulfill these needs myself. But it was never enough. I needed someone else to do it. I needed D to do it.

So I told him.

I was panicking even as I said it. I both wanted it and didn’t. I knew the moment it happened, that everything would change. I also knew the change would be good, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let go of my control. And that’s what it really was. It was about me keeping that illusion of control.

The moment I told him what I needed, his response was swift. In fact, I’m not even sure that what I asked for would have been so effective if he hadn’t responded so swiftly. But he did. And I instantly tried to think of ways to get out of it knowing full well he wouldn’t allow that without a safeword being called. But I didn’t call out a safeword. And the moment I was there, in the exact place and position I’d needed to be in so desperately, my entire world changed.

I’d needed this thing so fucking desperately, but no one had given it to me until that day. Not in the way D had. This lifelong need was suddenly met and without shaming or guilt or judgment. Just a need met. And that one seemingly small thing to many, changed everything for me because I’d never had it. The moment I did have it, my world became huge and small at the same time. I felt powerful and powerless at the same time. Both submissive and dominant. These things that had somehow separated into segments, part of me or aspects of a whole, were suddenly one.

Whole.

I was whole.

I cried so hard. It was so cathartic and healing and wonderful. I’d never felt so safe in my life, even with my world suddenly so much bigger. I even started seeing things I hadn’t before. Things in others but mostly in myself.

In these last two weeks, the PTSD responses I’d grown so used to, disappeared. Just gone. This doesn’t mean I don’t have stuff to work on. Because that’s still there. But I’m not looking through the PTSD glasses. It’s just stuff to work on. This has changed how I feel and manage stimulus.

I share all of this because it’s played into today. Into many wonderful things that have happened since D gave me the gift of meeting my deepest and most desired need. The woman I met today and had such an amazing conversation with, I’d met before. Only I’d not felt like I could approach her. I felt too small and judged to speak with her and I hadn’t even known her. And my friend, the person I’m suddenly looking forward to hearing from and seeing, I’m able to see in a different way. I’ve been attracted to her for a while, but PTSD was stopping me from really seeing her. But not anymore. So this new world has opened for me and I’m in love with life in a way I’ve never been before.

Is life perfect? No, of course not. Hell, my internet got shut off for three hours today because when I’d paid the bill last month, I’d forgotten to switch out the card. Three hours it took to solve this not so mysterious mystery, and I lost those hours of work time over a ridiculous mistake. But so what? I got a good conversation in while that was being sorted.

Then my office program decided to stop populating and saved weird bits of information in files that went out to people and I had to redo several of them. Why? NO clue. Just happened. So what?

These are the sorts of things that would have shut me down before. Or triggered me into high anxiety or a panic attack. The embarrassment and shame and guilt over screwing up a bill or messing up files somehow would have felt too overwhelming and I’d have turned it all off. But not now.

Life will always bring challenges. That’s not going to change while we’re alive because life, by nature, is about constant change. With change comes challenges. But I don’t have to look through PTSD goggles anymore. I can see with my own eyes. And life is so much more beautiful than I realized.

I know that D giving me what I needed was huge and kind and loving. I’m grateful he met this need and didn’t shame me for it. When he tells me he’s proud of me now, I feel it all the way through my body. It’s like a wave of peace and reassurance moving through me.

But I know that this is because of me too. Because I was finally able to ask for what I needed in order to let go. So often I give all the credit to others for my growth but I did this. I asked for what I needed. I was brave. Then I was open and received, and healed so much because of it. So I’m grateful that D gave me this but also grateful for myself. For being able to finally speak up and ask for what I needed most. I stopped standing in my own way and the moment I did, that emptiness in me left. I’d been the one keeping it empty and hollow and now, it’s full of love and life. Innocence and wonder. Beauty. Freedom. That’s what’s inside me.

In these last two weeks, I can count at least five things that occurred that would have triggered me or shut me down in the past. But none have. This is why it’s so important to be able to ask for what we need. Even if we get a ‘no’, at least we’ve tried. I’ve known for a long time what I’ve needed, just not why. I knew and refused to ask for it. I continued to suffer needlessly. Maybe now was just the right time, but I’ll never know. What I do know is that I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Because this is a happiness that isn’t tainted by someone else’s worldview, by trauma, by self-shaming or judgment… it’s just goodness. Pure bliss.

And it’s amazing.

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Impervious: Chronicles of a (semi-)Retired Deviant – by Janet W. Hardy — SinCyr Publishing

We’re delighted to announce that SinCyr Publishing has picked up Janet W. Hardy’s Impervious: Chronicles of a (semi-)Retired Deviant. Publication is scheduled for Spring of 2019! About Janet ~ Janet W. Hardy is the author or coauthor of eleven groundbreaking books about relationships and sexuality, including The Ethical Slut (more than 160,000 copies sold to date, including […]

via Impervious: Chronicles of a (semi-)Retired Deviant – by Janet W. Hardy — SinCyr Publishing

Posted in My Journey

Things are Good

Things are good. They have been. Like REALLY good. Yet I’m feeling this strange bit of dread right now. Odd, I know. But I’m still feeling it. The reason it’s so odd is that things ‘have’ been good. If things are going wrong, it’s easy to understand these uneasy feelings.

It could be that when I posted the image below on social media today, someone responded with passive aggressive statements on their own feed and it made me realize that not all these types have been weeded out yet. But is that enough to make me fill with dread? Not so much. It’s annoying at best. And an indicator that I have more house cleaning to do.

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Maybe I feel uneasy because I’ve got such wonderful projects coming up that all mean so much to me and I’m in a bit of shock. Excited and terrified at the same time. All I can think is, “Pinch me already, because I’ve got to be dreaming!”

I’m not dreaming though. In fact, the only thing I did dream when I passed out on the couch earlier was how I was trying to toast bread in the fridge. Not because the fridge would toast it but because that’s where I kept the toaster. Naturally…

* shrugs *

Or maybe I’m feeling this way because it’s a good feeling inside me, just one I’m not used to so I’m confusing it with dread. I’m about to have something big happen in a personal way as well. Like, this weekend. Something I’ve wanted for a long time but wasn’t ready for. Nor did I fully understand my needs and wants because they were so wrapped up in shame. I’m once again reminded of Willy Wonka and the line about getting everything I ever wanted.

Of course, there’s always more to reach for and achieve because otherwise, what a waste of a life! But that doesn’t mean the things I’m getting right now don’t feel surreal. Because they do.

So I’m writing. It’s all I can do right now as everyone else is sleeping or um… occupied with nightly activities. And it’s sort of helping. I need to get to bed but I’m wide awake thinking about all the things. Feeling grateful as well and for so many reasons.

Now that I’ve gotten this out, I’ll sign off with this message below. ❤

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Life Is Magical, When We Let It Be

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I’ve got so much to say right now. I’m not even sure where to start. For one, I’ve been so madly busy since Norwescon that I’ve hardly had time to breathe. My new classes started (and I love them so far), and that’s been an adjustment as now I’m driving to Gig Harbor for one of them. But it’s beautiful there and I’m enjoying it a great deal. I’ve also had some heavier work items going on, but that’s been enjoyable too. It’s just busyness. That’s it. And in this busyness, I’ve also implemented some pretty big changes.

While I’ve fought it for years, I am now keeping a tight schedule. I’ve got items on an excel sheet to be completed during certain hours of the day, and empty spots for leisure time or moving items if something can’t be completed when I’d planned. To my surprise, I’m not hating this process. I’m finding it helpful for getting more accomplished. The only downfall (which has been cleared up now) was that I was using the items I hadn’t completed to punish myself. And that’s not helpful. But as I said, that has been addressed in the hottest ways. *giggles* So now, I’m using my schedule to my advantage, and it’s wonderful.

The other thing I’ve changed is that I’ve gone back to the whole foods/plant based way of eating. No sugars or oils either. I’ve been vegan before, but I still had sugar and oils. Things my body doesn’t need. Since switching back to the whole foods plant method, I’m feeling so much better. So much more energy and less pain. While I love animals dearly and hate killing them for food, that isn’t the reason I’ve switched to plant based foods. My family still eats meat and if my husband makes his Korean BBQ, well, I’m having some! But I’m feeling so much better health wise that I really don’t want to stray from this.

Someone asked me a couple years back why I ate things that made me not feel good and I was irritated at the time. All I could think was, “Um…. hello… because they taste good!” I felt judged and angry over it. It’s taken me a long time to understand that my anger had nothing to do with the actual food. I was angry that this person had pointed out the obvious when I hadn’t thought about that myself. Why was I eating foods that made me sick? That left me in pain? The only answer that I’ve been able to come to is that I didn’t want to be pain free, which is a whole blog post in itself.

I’m also back to exercising again. While this isn’t a new thing, the pain I’ve been in has made working out hard. I’ve also allowed myself to become inactive and full of excuses after getting two cases of flu in a row. But enough is enough. I will admit, working out when I’m feeling lighter and in far less pain is so much easier too!

What all of these changes have meant is that I get to be happier and healthier. They’ve meant that I’m more open to goodness. I’m seeing people and situations so much clearer, and this is a great thing.

It’s also meant that I’m feeling things deeper. Like power dynamics. Everything has become so much more powerful and it was already powerful to begin with! Things I’ve only been able to fantasize are my reality now. Things so delicious that I’m considering starting another blog dedicated solely to these new aspects of my life.

Many things have changed in my life, and they are all wonderful. Life is magical when we let it be.

Posted in Lifestyle, My Journey | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

In you I see, Someone special

What an amazing weekend this has been… For years now, I’ve been growing and changing, learning my bad habits and working to shift them, owning mistakes, and becoming a better me with each step along my growth path. But these last couple of weeks, I’ve been working on accepting things I’d been previously unwilling to admit to myself. Mostly, it’s had to do with beliefs about people–believing they’re good, even when they do terrible things–and I clung to those beliefs because it hurt too much to admit that the good was the story I’d told myself and not reality.

But that’s not my story anymore. I don’t need to see people–either currently in my life or historically in my life–as good just because of their position or claim to goodness. In fact, this is the easiest way for abusers to get away with their abuse. They tell you again and again how great they are, how much you should appreciate them because ‘they never had anyone do this for them’, they may even tell you that they’re proud of you, but the pride won’t come with support. And that makes the biggest difference.

When you’re actually proud of someone, you help them be the best person they can. You lift them up when they’re struggling. You don’t call them terrible names and attack them. They don’t compliment you and belittle in the same sentence.

I have some wonderful people in my life that show me everyday how proud they are of me. People that don’t just say my goal with SinCyr Publishing is amazing, they show it by offering to help. By giving their time and energy. By keeping me encouraged when rape culture feels like too much to combat.

Others show me they support me and believe in me by asking me to take part in important projects. Or by taking me out for a night of blissful fun. The key in all of these above is the ‘showing’. Their words aren’t empty. Far from it.

I’ve finally let go of some of the remaining trauma I had stored inside me. It was some of the hardest to let go as it wasn’t something I could face through fear ladders or exposure therapy. This kind of healing took acceptance of hard truths… that some people who were supposed to love me just didn’t. For whatever reason, they didn’t.

I’ve now left all that behind me and moved forward with a new me. The me that knows those I keep close now are the ones that show me they’re proud of me, that show they believe in me, that show they love me.

This weekend, I was reminded of two scenes from one of my favorite movies.

We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.

Mr. Wonka: “Don’t forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he wanted.” Charlie Bucket: “What happened?” Mr. Wonka: “He lived happily ever after.”

Today was the first day of my happily ever after. I’m making my own music of life. I’m dreaming new dreams, bigger and better dreams. I’m so grateful for the love in my life.

After such a fantastic weekend, I finally watched the music video to one of my favorite songs. I didn’t really think about why I liked the song or even understand the lyrics so fully until I saw the video tonight. It seems fitting to include it now. Lyrics are pasted below in case you can’t view it.

Lyrics:

Miracles
Coldplay, Big Sean

My father said never give up son
Just look how good Cassius become
Mohammed, Mahatma, and Nelson
Not scared to be strong
Now you could run and just say they’re right
No I’ll never be no one in my whole life
Or you could turn and see the way they’re wrong
And get to keep on dancing all life long
My father said never give up, son
Just look what Amelia and Joan done
Or Rosa, Teresa, the war won
Not scared to be strong
Now you could run and just say they’re right
No I’ll never be no one in my whole life
Or you could turn and see the way they’re wrong
And get to keep on dancing all life long
Yeah you could be
Someone special
You’ve got bright in your brains and
Lightning in your veins
You’ll go higher then they’ve ever gone
In you I see
Someone special
You’ve got fire in your eyes and
When you realize
You’ll go further then we’ve ever gone (look)
Just turn it on
I pay my intuition I couldn’t afford tuition
My funds was insufficient and it felt I’m in prison
Until I realized I had to set my mind free
I was trusting statistics more than I trust me
Get a degree, good job, 401k
But I’m trying to turn Ks to Ms what does it take?
And maybe I could be the new Ali of music, probably
Instead of doing it just as a hobby like these boys told me to
I guess you either watch the show or you’re showin’ proof
Prove it to them you prove it to yourself
But honestly its better if you do it for yourself
Never complacent ’til we hit the oasis
One life don’t waste it feel my heart races, success I taste it, I
We on the verge again and every single day that we deserve
Yeah you could be
Someone special
You’ve got fire in your eyes
I see heaven inside
You’ll go further then we’ve ever gone
In you I see
Someone special
You’ve got bright in your brains
You can break through those chains
You’ll go higher then we’ve ever gone
Just turn it on
In you I see
Someone special
Don’t go to war with yourself
Just turn, just turn, just turn it on
And you can’t go wrong

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Owning It Book Release Day!

Owning It – Sexual Expression Book 3 – is available today! Print and ebook options!

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EMBRACING OUR BODIES, OUR SEXUALITY, & OUR POWER.

Owning who we are is powerful. By embracing our bodies and owning our desires, we best experience beautiful, sensual, and intense sexual expression.

The characters in Owning It love their bodies regardless of their physical limitations. In these pages, a Daddy and his ‘little’ explore the healing waters of a DD/lg dynamic. Others enjoy a wide range of sexual encounters and relationships from playful to intense, from straight to queer, from light to dark. These authors give us characters that truly own it.

Authors: Cecilia Duvalle, Andra Dill, Sienna Saint-Cyr, M. Marie, Tamara Lush, Jaap Boekestein, Erin Horáková, Tressa Rabbit, Terri Ley, AJ Fyler, Stephani Maari Booker, H. Pueyo, Sofia Greenwood, Megan Jennifer, and Sam Elmquist

Editors: Sienna Saint-Cyr, Rhiannon Rhys-Jones, and S.B. Roark
Copy Editor: Harley Easton

It takes a few days for print and ebook to link, so here are the separate links below.

ebook link: https://amzn.to/2G2tNpM

print book link: https://amzn.to/2ILmtMZ

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Posted in SinCyr Publishing, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Norwescon 2018 Schedule

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Thursday
Consensual Non-Monogamy

5:00pm – 6:00pm @ Cascade 7 & 8

Sar Surmick (M), Sienna Saint-Cyr, Liz Courts, Sheye Anne Blaze

Friday
Critique Groups, Writing Workshops, and Higher Ed

3:00pm – 4:00pm @ Evergreen 1 & 2

Sienna Saint-Cyr (M), David Anthony Durham, Renee Stern, Kat Richardson, Tod McCoy
Writers Workshop: Crit session

6:00pm – 7:00pm @ Baker

David R Silas (M), Sienna Saint-Cyr, Lish McBride, Kurt Cagle
Sex In Horror

8:00pm – 9:00pm @ Cascade 9

Evan J. Peterson (M), Jon Lasser, Sienna Saint-Cyr, Sandra M. Odell, Patrick Hurley

Saturday
Book Covers, Advertising, and Sales Tracking

12:00pm – 1:00pm @ Cascade 9

Sienna Saint-Cyr (M), Lee Moyer, Elliott Kay, Patrick Hurley
The Slippery Slope From YAY To EWW!

3:00pm – 4:00pm @ Cascade 9

Spencer Ellsworth (M), Amélie Mantchev, Lisa Mantchev, Sienna Saint-Cyr, Lish McBride
Mental Health Is Not Responsible for Evil

4:00pm – 5:00pm @ Cascade 9

Sienna Saint-Cyr (M), Caren GS, Elsa Sjunneson-Henry, Sheye Anne Blaze
Thinking of Starting Your Own Press?

6:00pm – 7:00pm @ Cascade 11

Mark Teppo (M), Sienna Saint-Cyr, Tod McCoy, Patrick Swenson
Reading: Sienna Saint-Cyr

7:00pm – 7:30pm @ Cascade 4

Sienna Saint-Cyr (M)
Getting it Wrong – A Panel for Allies

9:00pm – 10:00pm @ Cascade 5 & 6

Amber Clark (M), Sienna Saint-Cyr, Sarah Gulde, Sheye Anne Blaze

Sunday
Tips for Small Press Authors

11:00am – 12:00pm @ Cascade 11

Sienna Saint-Cyr (M), Mark Teppo, Patrick Swenson, Jaym Gates
I’ll also be at the Cascade Writers social as well as the Publishers’ party.

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