From the moment I accepted that I am one *kinky* girl, I’ve always thought of myself as a sub. Because who doesn’t like to get on their knees and be slapped in the face? At most, I thought myself a switch, as I certainly do love beating on girls too.
But to think of myself as a Domme? That was a bit too much for me to wrap my head around. Despite my Dom often telling me that was the case. Sure I’d feminized men, made them dress as gurls and paraded them behind me as my pretty, pretty princesses. And I’d instructed a fair amount of people with what to do and when, but buying into myself as a Domme just wasn’t resonating. Surely I was a switch.
It wasn’t until last week, when I was wandering around some parties at a convention, that I finally realized how dominant I am. This awareness is so new to me, that it took me a while to realize I was actually hunting for prey. I needed to exert my dominance over some poor, yet willing girl, and when that wasn’t happening, that need turned into anger.
This was all new to me. For so long, the stress of conventions brought on a sense of needing to submit. It was such a strong sense, that at times I settled for topping from the bottom, just to get that fix. But the healthier I get, the less I’m needing to submit every time something happens, and the more I’m needing to exert dominance instead. It’s a curious response, and yet it’s not.
My Dom knew. He saw this coming, I’m certain of it. He kept saying what a little domme I was, then he’d say it and I’d see it capitalized, and now, I just hear and see Domme. And I didn’t want that. I wanted to at least be switchy, because I don’t want to stop submitting. If it wasn’t for my submission, I’d not be as far as I am in my personal growth. Submitting is good for me.
But a Domme?
Thoughts would run through my head. Like, what if I get too dominant, and my Dom doesn’t want me anymore? Or what if I don’t want to be the Domme because I’m needing to submit?
The truth to the matter, though, is that I really only want to submit to a very specific person. At least in the full time sense. It’s because I see him as more powerful than me. While I’m also okay with submitting in another relationship, I don’t want it all the time as I see him as more my equal, and these things haven’t stopped me from wanting to Domme people. Instead, the more I submit, the stronger my need is to get others to submit to me.
And no one has stopped wanting me just because I’m more dominant than I thought!
So yay! But this brings me back to last week. Because I always saw myself as switchy, or more subby than dominant, I’d not really understood myself and my needs when I’m in large crowds. Several years ago, a friend told me about this thing called falsifying type. (http://www.benziger.org/articles/physfalsoftype.php) I read several articles on it, and always thought I was an introverted sub, who got overwhelmed at conventions and large events because I was around too many people. That I was having to be ‘on’ essentially, and that was wearing me down and making me depressed and ill.
I now know this is not the case at all. Yes, I was falsifying type. Absolutely. And I was feeling all the side affects of doing that. But my falsification of type wasn’t with me pretending to be an extroverted Domme, my falsification was with me being an extroverted Domme and pretending to be an introverted sub. It was definitely happening, but in the opposite way I’d thought.
Part of this is because people are less intimidated by me when they think of me as a subby introvert. When I’ve got my extroverted Domme in effect, I project a lot of energy and that can be intense. While some people like that, hehem, like at kink parties or events, walking around a convention and projecting this isn’t as accepted. So I suppressed it.
Last week, however, I realized as I was walking the halls, that I really wanted to beat on someone, or exert a level of control, and I knew there were girls there that wanted that, at least one from me specifically. But too many people and not enough privacy to do anything, left me with this large need and no outlet. Then the anger set in, and eventually I got tired.
As in, I felt the affects of falsifying type. Because the longer I went without exerting control in some way, the more tired and depressed I got.
I do realize that a convention, in the middle of the day, is not the time to exert this kind of control. Unless you are a bratty soul just begging to be punished, then I might…. no no… can’t do that. Not consensual to those around. But! What I can do is write when I’m feeling this way and have no outlet. Or I can talk about it to people who understand. And I can stop falsifying type by pretending to be a submissive introvert. I can instead, be my extroverted Domme self, and when I’ve had enough of that, beg my Dom to take his cane to me. Such a lovely life I lead!
What I’ve come to, is that I’m a Domme. I like to be in control. And I’m also a submissive little slut for D. And I’m many other things as well, depending on my need in the moment. But the point is, I’m a Domme, and sometimes, I want prey.