Today I did something that surprised me, I changed my honorific.
In any other circumstance, this wouldn’t be a huge deal. But the honorific I changed, was the one I signed off an email to my Dom with.
He’s changed my honorific before, but I haven’t. Not with him. First, I was s, for slave. Lowercase to denote me being under him, owned by him, and all of the other lovely things that came with being put in my place, cherished, and taken care of.
Later on, when we explored other areas of need, I became ls for little stupid. Also lowercase. This one stuck for a while, as I love being humiliated, dropped down a peg (or several) when my head gets too big, but this too began to fade. I’ve been left with only confusion as to how to refer to myself.
This last time, other than acknowledging that he agreed, s and ls didn’t fit any longer, he didn’t assign me a new honorific. He did give me permission to call him what I’d asked to call him, but he offered no instruction as to what that made me in relation.
For days now I’ve been wondering how to label myself. Especially since realizing I am a Domme who likes to submit to my Dom. That understanding has changed things, and because my Dom is super confident and not threatened by other dominant people, he’s been very supportive and encouraging.
But I still didn’t know what to call myself. And he was offering no assistance in that. Not instruction wise, anyway. Experience wise, he’d given me all I needed to know. I was the one that wasn’t getting it yet. I feel his lack of assigning me a new honorific was intentional, and pushing me to accept what I am and telling him that, without him having to tell me.
Now I need to jump back in time, first very far, then a couple of weeks, so that when I explain this, it makes more sense as to why I felt safe and confident changing my honorific today.
A bit of back story… For those who don’t know this, I was exposed to sex trafficking and child prostitution when I was young. I’m not ready to blog all the details of this yet, though I will share at some point, but this caused me a significant amount of trauma and was a big cause for my Complex PTSD.
Two weeks ago, some of my suppressed memories returned, and they hit me so hard, I got suicidal. It was in thought form, no actions planned (and I’ll paste a link on this at the end of this post), but it was serious enough that I shut people out and only did what was completely necessary when it came to contacting people.
All of this coming at the same time that I realized how Dominant I am. That understanding helped a great deal when I realized the path I was going down, because I knew I needed to reach out, do what needed doing, in order to pull myself out of this place. Because if I’m going to expect those I’m involved with to be healthy, then I expect that from myself too, but at greater length.
I spoke with people who understood where I was at and why, including my therapist, and I moved forward. But I was in a lot of pain.
My Dom and I were talking on the phone, and he was doing what he usually does when I’m in great pain, and that’s giving me things to feel good about. Physically.
We’ve toyed with a lot of energy work, tantra, and things of the like, but he explored something different with me that left me in a state of transcendence. Not subspace, but transcendence.
I still felt him very powerful and over me in that place, but it wasn’t the same, as I felt very powerful too. I also understood that regardless of how powerful I felt, I needed to be submitting to him still. It was the only way I ‘could’ feel that power, at least for now. He wasn’t over me in the way I normally see him over me, yet he was as well.
In this place, there was no judgment over who was more powerful than who. Not really a label needed, as it was all about ‘being’. I didn’t feel the hierarchy that I normally do.
My heart no longer hurt in this place. My head wasn’t arguing with me about any of it. I was in complete bliss, completely open in my heart chakra and entire body, and none of the lower level emotions could exist in this state.
I’ve studied emotions for many years. Energy work too. I’ve read everything from what I call ‘woowoo’ stuff, to actual studies on energy and how it works inside us, but this feeling was nothing I’d ever felt before, and it made me recall all of those studies I’d done.
Lower level emotions are things like anger, hate, fear, things that resonate a lower frequency. Some of these emotions aren’t bad, like anger is healthy when we’ve been treated poorly, fear is healthy when it’s preventing us from walking in front of a moving vehicle, but when any emotion distorts our perception of reality, it isn’t healthy. This includes love. Specifically, though, certain emotions are considered to be ‘lower’ level, and even though I’ve read so much on the subject, I will admit, putting any kind of emotion into a ‘lower’ category, seemed ‘woowoo’.
That belief changed for me last week. As in that place of transcendence, I didn’t feel, or ‘couldn’t’ feel, those lower emotions. My opinion of my family that hurt me, didn’t change, but I didn’t feel anger with them. I didn’t feel anger of other people that have hurt me in this last year. Nor did I feel any fear in this place. I felt only love. And if I had to define that, I’d define it as ‘divine’ love.
I had no judgment of anyone in this place. My love didn’t have conditions. It was more of a vibration, and not a ‘feeling’ at all. I felt completely whole, feminine, empowered, powerful, divine, nurturing, compassionate, beautiful, and so much more.
I finally understood what so many had tried to write about, and so many failed to explain. Even if they’d done a fantastic job, until you feel it, it’s hard to relay in words.
What all of this tells me is that when it comes to embodying the divine feminine, I still have a lot to learn before I share too much. But one thing is certain… I do embody the divine feminine.
I am the Divine Feminine.
And no, this is not to say only females can embody this. It didn’t have anything to do with gender and had everything to do with a vibration, a state of love I didn’t think possible outside of reading about it, believing it *might* exist.
Now I know it does exist.
And my Dom knew it. He knew what I was all along. He told me from the beginning, just as he’d told me I was dominant.
He took me to this place with intent. I don’t know why now was the right time for him to do that, as I haven’t asked yet. This is another very new thing for me.
Maybe it was because I admitted the depth of my trauma, or maybe because I’d decided to use my pain for good and to help others, maybe it was because I felt dirty and disgusting after my memories flooded me and he wanted me to see the beauty in me, I don’t know his reasoning. But he took me to this place nonetheless.
He also assures me that this place is available to me all the time, whenever I want it. He will help me get there until I can get there myself, but he did say, this will come.
So today, when I sent him email, I signed it DF. Capitalized to signify that I can be powerful, yet still submit.
I was scared at first, concerned that he might take it as a challenge, and again he’s proven that he’s supportive and unthreatened by me owning what I am. Instead, he called me up to say he AGREED and to tell me he was proud of me.
Going forward, I will sign off with him as DF for Divine Feminine. That is the best way I can relay what I am currently working to embody all the time.
This is all I can say on this topic right now, as there is so much more for me to learn. So much to discover and work with. And I look forward to sharing as I learn more.
P.S. If you know anyone struggling with suicidality (yes, this is a word), or if you are, please visit this website http://www.jsp3.org. I will be blogging about this much more in the next two weeks.