Right now, I should be doing well. I’m getting published under Sienna more, on blogs and in anthologies. I’m taking part in NaNoWriMo. I’ve had great events with the nonprofit writing workshop I’m Pres of. Met some amazing people who served as examples of how I want to be. Yet even with all these wonderful things, I’m down.
And I know why.
This is probably one of the hardest and most vulnerable posts I’ve ever written. But I’m doing it anyway, because by not hiding this or feeling ashamed of it, I will take that first step to healing it. Taking the power of it away… And being open to people I know and don’t, will move me forward.
The reason I’m down is that while I’m poly and kinky, and can be with anyone I want to sexually, I’m not. No one is stopping me except the voices in my head. There is so much noise when it comes to sex—specifically intercourse—that I can’t make a decision based on my own desires.
I’m always questioning myself. Do I want this? Am I feeling pressured?
When someone desires me, it’s like torture. No matter what I do, I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m making the wrong choice. I’m serving instead of being a willing participant. And yet, rarely have I ever actually been forced. Not since my early twenties.
But here it is, still haunting me. Visions and automatic responses that won’t go the fuck away. They interfere with my life, my choices, and my joy.
For me, sex means pain, sadness, and fear.
That’s not okay with me.
So here I am, writing for people I know and for complete strangers, to say that I have an issue with sexual intercourse.
I have complete freedom to be with who ever I want. Whenever I want. To love freely and be loved. And there is still this huge thing hanging over my head.
The hardest part is that the men in my life love me. They would NEVER force me one way or another to do something, or not do something. They respect me and my choices, and want me to make decisions based on what’s best for me.
Yet the voices are just soooo loud.
Do this, don’t do that, he’s going to leave you if you do this, he’ll break it off if you don’t, and it’s so much confusion that I get lost in my own thoughts. Those voices from so long ago that still scream out any time I seek freedom from them.
Voices of abusers that are mostly dead.
I hate that something so simple—that should be a wonderful thing for me and my male partners, since girls don’t trigger me in this manner—causes so much heartache instead. It’s not fair. It sucks badly.
But this is where I’m at.
I have a plan… because like everything else, I will get past this. I will be able to enjoy sex like a normal fucking person. I will get to the point where the only voice I hear in my head is my own, telling me whether or not I want something.
A lot of what I’ve learned with my D/s relationship, is that while I’ve had sex, triggers and all, it hasn’t always been with very conscious intent. With the enthusiastic consent that there should be. And learning this is such a powerful thing.
Because it will change me. It already has.
So now I’ve aired this. Told everyone that reads this, “Yes, I have issues with sex, and I’m working on them.”
My sexuality belongs to me. No one else.
This is why I’ve been down. Here’s to hoping my vulnerability will help. 🙂