Last week I was struggling and decided to watch some television. I turned on Netflix and was prompted to finish Good Will Hunting. And wouldn’t you know it, the scene I’d left off on was the exact one I needed to see in that moment.
It was the scene where Sean is telling Will, “It’s not your fault.”
Realizing I needed to hear more, I backed it up a bit and began at the part where Sean is yelling at Will, telling him he has all this talent, but he’s just too afraid. Letting him know he’s got a smartass answer for everything, but he can’t even answer one simple question. “What do you want?”
It resonated, because I remember being there. I didn’t know how to answer the simplest questions, because I was too damn afraid to take action. To not just survive, but live fully.
Despite all my efforts though, I still hit those walls. The ones that stop me and make me feel like I’ve jumped all the way back to the beginning. Before I began facing trauma, healing, and speaking out.
When I reached the scene again where Sean is telling Will, “It’s not your fault,” over and over, I also realized that I was Will in that moment. Saying again and again, “I know,” while deep down, not believing it.
Even with all my work, there are times when I still believe this.
I kept watching, going back and forth between scenes I needed to watch. And by this point I was sobbing as much as Will when he finally realized it’s not his fault. I stopped when I got to the part where Will’s friend tells him he has to take a good job. He has to, because he’s the one with a gift. His friend knows he won’t make it out, and says Will owes it to him to use his gift. To make it, essentially.
I understood Will’s character. His desire not to leave his friends behind. I felt that way once too. Like I was abandoning them. And I’m not speaking about my current friends. I’m talking about the ones who suffered with me. I still feel guilty for not doing more for them. Even if I was afraid for my life, I’m still hard on myself.
But the friend’s words also resonated. “Don’t do this for you, fuck that. Do it for me.”
This is why I write about my journey. Why I write about trauma, sex trafficking, child prostitution, and more as it comes up. Because I have a gift…. the ability to write and share.
So I share. For me, and those that suffered with me.
It’s not our fault. ❤