It’s Not Your Fault

Last week I was struggling and decided to watch some television. I turned on Netflix and was prompted to finish Good Will Hunting. And wouldn’t you know it, the scene I’d left off on was the exact one I needed to see in that moment.

It was the scene where Sean is telling Will, “It’s not your fault.”

Realizing I needed to hear more, I backed it up a bit and began at the part where Sean is yelling at Will, telling him he has all this talent, but he’s just too afraid. Letting him know he’s got a smartass answer for everything, but he can’t even answer one simple question. “What do you want?”

It resonated, because I remember being there. I didn’t know how to answer the simplest questions, because I was too damn afraid to take action. To not just survive, but live fully.

Despite all my efforts though, I still hit those walls. The ones that stop me and make me feel like I’ve jumped all the way back to the beginning. Before I began facing trauma, healing, and speaking out.

When I reached the scene again where Sean is telling Will, “It’s not your fault,” over and over, I also realized that I was Will in that moment. Saying again and again, “I know,” while deep down, not believing it.

Even with all my work, there are times when I still believe this.

I kept watching, going back and forth between scenes I needed to watch. And by this point I was sobbing as much as Will when he finally realized it’s not his fault. I stopped when I got to the part where Will’s friend tells him he has to take a good job. He has to, because he’s the one with a gift. His friend knows he won’t make it out, and says Will owes it to him to use his gift. To make it, essentially.

I understood Will’s character. His desire not to leave his friends behind. I felt that way once too. Like I was abandoning them. And I’m not speaking about my current friends. I’m talking about the ones who suffered with me. I still feel guilty for not doing more for them. Even if I was afraid for my life, I’m still hard on myself.

But the friend’s words also resonated. “Don’t do this for you, fuck that. Do it for me.”

This is why I write about my journey. Why I write about trauma, sex trafficking, child prostitution, and more as it comes up. Because I have a gift…. the ability to write and share.

So I share. For me, and those that suffered with me.

It’s not our fault. ❤

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About authorsienna

Author * Speaker * Blogger on sex, erotica, LGBTQ, BDSM, Dominance, submission, consent, and polyamory. Authors tales of dark desires and hidden fantasies.
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2 Responses to It’s Not Your Fault

  1. Don’t you love it when the message you need is delivered to you at just the right moment?! Serendipity…when we are open hearted with rich soil freshly tilled for the seed of the message to take root.

    I really love your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. authorsienna says:

    Thank you. 🙂 And yes, I do love that. Being open surely helps too!

    Like

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