I was going through old writings and emails I sent to D, and realized that I apologize constantly. I knew I used to, people always told me. But I’m really seeing it now. Kinda hard not to when I have file after file of good stuff, personal growth, fantastic conversations, and so many end with me apologizing for disrupting. Or for being an inconvenience. For not getting something sooner. So many things I thought I needed to apologize for, and very few were actual cases where I should have.
What I also noticed is that when I began accepting who I am—a Domme, a Tantrica, a person focusing on the present (still working on this one), and someone who isn’t passive—I stopped apologizing for unnecessary reasons.
I don’t need to apologize for not understanding something. Or for having needs. For wanting what I want. I was doing it because I was so used to being passive. To living for others and not speaking up for myself. So when I started speaking my needs, I felt like I was doing something wrong, and kept apologizing.
It’s not something D pointed out much. I think there are always bigger fish to fry for us. But going through my files tonight showed me just how much I’ve changed. How I went from constantly apologizing to only doing it when it was warranted.
Hell! I’ve even said, “Sorry, I’m triggered.” Why the hell would I apologize for being triggered? It’s not as if I can help it. It’s not as if I’m raging out of control and hurting people. All I needed to say was, “I’m triggered.”
What I need to do is be direct. That’s it. And that’s what I’m consistently working towards. I’ve even pointed out others’ need to apologize as well. We don’t need to apologize for things we didn’t do. We don’t need to apologize for having feelings, or opinions, or needs and wants. We don’t need to apologize for anything unless we’ve actually been a dick. Even if that dickyness was unintentional, poor behavior should be apologized for.
But saying, “I’m sorry,” for disagreeing with someone else. NOT OKAY. Nor is it okay for the myriad of other reasons so many of us use it for.
I’m so thankful I noticed this. Because now I can pay even more attention and add this to the long list of things I’ve done to change my narrative. I will no longer apologize for things that don’t require one.
And if I do have to apologize for wrong doing, bet your ass it won’t be followed with a, “but I just…” bit of nonsense!
Okay, rant over.