A bit ago I wrote a post on what sex means to me. It was tough to air that for all to see, but my exhibitionist side helped. As of last night, I now have a better understanding as to why sex, or more specifically intercourse, is tough for me.
Yes, I was raped. And that-no doubt-has left a lasting impression, but this isn’t the only reason why I’ve struggled.
Last night I was talking to D. My stomach twisted and turned as I felt the ‘sex’ part of the conversation coming to the surface. And I wanted to avoid it.
This is because last week I finally admitted to my therapist the extent to which I struggle with intercourse. I do it-obviously-and often, but usually as a passive participant. Before my session, I hadn’t realized that while I’d written about wanting to be in control of my sex life, I also didn’t want to be in control. I wanted to be told what to do and when.
Some might say, “That’s because you’re a sub! It’s why you have a Dom.” Which isn’t true. Subs have needs to be met, and most can beg to their little heart’s content for what they want.
When it comes to a beating I can beg. Sexual things though? Totally different. Part of this is because I was taught to be submissive and serve in bed. To do as I’m told. So doing anything to the contrary feels unnatural and wrong.
This is why the thought of a Dom excited me at first. I thought, if I just submit fully, then I’ll never have to ask for anything. I’ll just be used again and again. The thought of this excited me greatly, but I couldn’t have been more wrong as to how my particular D worked.
He requires active participants that can voice their needs through enthusiastic begging. A thing I could not do. Not when it came to my needs anyway.
So my therapist suggested I write about sex. In first person, present tense, with multiple partners (since she knows I’m poly). It seemed a simple enough assignment, and one that several people were on board with, but I haven’t been able to do it. In fact, I’ve been struggling with all my erotica writing because of it.
Every time I’d get out my laptop and start typing, I’d shut down. Not because I couldn’t imagine these fun things, or because I haven’t done some of them, but because specifically what was asked for was me initiating, and being completely active in these scenes. A thing I felt I didn’t know how to do.
This brings me back to last night.
I was so worried that I wasn’t able to complete these simple one page writings, that I had finally reached out to D for help. I’d asked him, and another, to hold me accountable if I didn’t complete these writings soon.
The response I received wasn’t harsh or humiliating like I’d asked for, but instead one of discussion around his likes. It took a minute for what he was saying to sink in, but when it did, I began to see that part of my issue isn’t just trauma. It’s that I want very specific encounters that don’t always align with what’s average/normal/vanilla. And I shame myself for wanting what I want, because somewhere inside me, I was still operating under the assumption that I needed to want plain old intercourse.
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing bad about plain old intercourse, but I’ve known things so much more powerful than that. So much more intense. Standard intercourse seems small in comparison.
I still need to work through my triggers around sex in general, but this understanding will help a great deal. If someone else needs intercourse, because that’s what is special and powerful to them, I can see myself fulfilling that much easier, without all the triggers. The key is I have to want to fulfill that for them.
When it comes me, however, I know what I want. And it’s not the vanilla, missionary sex that I was raised I should want. I want intensity, tantra, and full body orgasms. I want partners that are aware of their energy and how to use it. Or partners that are open to learning.
Today I feel much better about things. Which is why I’m writing this very personal post on sex. Again.
Some people prefer intercourse, others oral, some hands, some wild exhibitionist sex, others want to be spanked while coming, and some want a powerhouse of energy exchange. Hehem… me.
I’m one step further to getting my wants and needs to align with my ability to follow through. I have already followed through, but now I will write about it, get it to my therapist, and use my ‘actual’ wants to push me past triggers. As long as I was using what I thought I should want to push me, it wasn’t working.
It amazes me how much bullshit narrative I still use. But this post is a means to correct that.
This isn’t about me needing to do anything. This is about me wanting to do something very specific. And that puts me ahead in the journey of healing my soul.
Off to write now!