I headed into last weekend with great anticipation. There were many friends I wanted to see at a convention, people I wanted to meet, and a BDSM party that I couldn’t wait to attend. The convention itself has turned into an evidence of growth marker for me, and this year brought some unexpected results. Ones that show me I am truly Being.
Before I get into why this year was so fantastically different for me, I need to cover the previous two. This will lead to some intense kink scenes toward the ending, so be forewarned, this is not all about triggers and cons!
To begin, my husband and I always attended conventions together. When I began writing though, there were some that I needed to attend without him. At the time, we were both nervous about this. Sometimes these cons have a lot of partiers, and in previous years (even with the hubby there), I’ve had instances where a friend had to escort me be back to my room because some drunken idiots wouldn’t stop harassing me and had cornered me in the stairwell. It was terrifying, especially considering where it happened. So going to a con alone made me shiver. It hit all my trigger points.
But I rounded up two friends and we ventured off anyway.
While the hubby and I had already long opened the marriage, I always found it hard to flirt with guys at cons because he was always there. So being alone with just a couple female friends, made that easier. But that too brought a huge level of stress and anxiety. Mostly because I felt absolutely no confidence whatsoever. I really hated everything about myself.
That year, the entire con I was a triggered mess. Constantly on the lookout for guys trying to hurt my friends, since one was single and the other poly. The more they were flirted with, the more my guard went up. This was both equally as frustrating as it was painful, because while I felt this huge need to ward off these men drooling over my peeps (out of fear they’d rape them, no evidence to support this, just PTSD fear), I also couldn’t understand why they weren’t flirting with me. Given my childhood, and how if I wasn’t picked for services, I was bad, the fact I wasn’t getting that attention caused even more triggers. Thus why I was such a mess that weekend.
While that con did leave me spinning for the next month, I did get through it. Without the hubby, without a complete meltdown, and not surprisingly, neither my friends, nor myself, were raped by drunken fools in the hallways. I came away from that with a higher level of confidence and a lot less fear.
Year two of this convention was also triggering, and again, I was there with two friends and no hubby. That year was particularly hard because I’d had a falling out with a friend and there were sides taken and awkwardness, and I hated that. But by this point D had entered my life, and I’d already begun clearing out those who didn’t respect me, and who continuously crossed boundaries I’d set, so while it was hard, I got through the con much easier. I had two great friends with me, that were supportive and made me feel brave, like I could accomplish things, and that made a difference.
The second part of that year’s convention was that I attended my first healthy BDSM party. Even the thought of going made my stomach feel like lead, but D assured me I’d have a great time. That the people I’d meet were nothing like the previous community I’d known.
By this point in time, I’d known about my interest in BDSM for many years, but after some bad experiences at parties or events, I’d vowed never to attend anything like that again. But this one was and is different. Not even in the same ballpark. I believed D when he told me I’d have fun, but I was still so full of anxiety that my body kept shutting down. I’d get super cold and couldn’t warm up.
The hardest part about making the decision to go to the party, was that neither the hubby or D could attend. I had to go alone. And while I had a ride there, and I’d already met some of the guests and liked them, I still felt like I hardly knew them. So them being there helped, but it took all my courage to walk through the door that night.
To my surprise, the people there were so amazing and down to earth, that within five minutes I felt safe. I felt at home. Like these were my people.
I didn’t play that night however. Mostly because I was far too scared to do anything but watch and talk to people. But also because I hadn’t had permission to play, so I didn’t want to upset anyone. Playing didn’t matter though. Not that night. The event itself had changed me. The next day I went into the con a different person. Once again much more confident, and feeling like if I could attend a party like that all by myself, I could do so much more.
Time went on, and this last year—as stated in many blog posts—has offered up so many opportunities for growth. I’ve been thriving, because I continue to face my triggers (aka fears). I am also keeping my circle of friends clean. If people are in the habit of telling me what to do, and I’ve not consented to that, out they go. If they are gossiping and using someone’s secrets against them, out they go. If they refuse to be accountable for promises made, lies they’ve spread, or bad behavior in general, it’s boot time! Cleaning out the friends list has given me much more peace in my personal life, and that means I can face the deeper trauma that I hadn’t faced yet.
The trauma that has been jumping up and biting me any chance it gets this last year.
Being in a D/s relationship and having a supportive husband and friends, made these things that felt so overwhelming and unmanageable, suddenly totally manageable. One by one, I’ve dealt with these terrible memories as they emerge. I’ve dealt with complete body shutdowns and suicidal thoughts. I’ve faced people bailing on me and leaving me with hoards of stuff to untangle, all on top of the trauma work. And I’m here, still thriving, even in the worst of times where so much seems uncertain.
This convention, I decided to bring the hubby. He’d not been before, and I also wanted him to meet these wonderful people that changed my view of the BDSM community. So off we went.
We were having a great time hanging out with friends, but there was some triangulation going on with multiple (and unconnected) parties, and it was far too familiar to times past. It began to trigger me.
Originally I’d planned to meet this adorable girl I’d been chatting with for a while, but she was one of the parties triangulating. My trigger combined with her indecisiveness and her passive aggressive responses, meant that being around her might not be the best idea for me.
While I wasn’t triggered hard, I was still triggered. My stomach hurt, I could hardly focus, people would talk to me and it sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher. All because it felt like a repeat of history. The issue compounded because this was another of D’s girls. And I felt in the middle of confusion and couldn’t communicate clearly about it since I was at a convention, with almost no cell reception. With no way of knowing if all my texts were getting through or if all responses were getting to me.
Even though I was supposed to meet her that night, and had been so excited prior, I hit that point where I wanted to flee. But that can’t happen anymore. While I wanted to run away, I also didn’t. What I really wanted was to Domme up on her and say, “Hey, be direct. Knock this off.” So I did the best thing I could do in that moment, I told D.
My concern was that I’d have a panic attack if she behaved that way in front of me, and I didn’t want to leave D dealing with two triggered girls at the same time, in the same location. We were supposed to be going together, so he could introduce us.
While D understood my concern, he didn’t hesitate at all. Didn’t stop to think it over. But he’s D. He didn’t need to think it over. He knew what was best, and that was for no one, not her or I, to give in to our triggers. So he told me I was going.
His words, “You’re forgetting how powerful I am,” grounded me instantly.
He was right. I knew he could handle us both. And the moment I realized that, and knew I was still safe, I began to calm down. I still had twisting in my stomach, but it was different. Less painful and debilitating. I also knew I could have safeworded if I’d needed to, and not go, but that’s not what I really wanted. What I wanted was what he gave me, which was why I told him and didn’t just go and deal silently, or cancel out.
So off I went, to meet his slave that I’d had so much fun chatting with. And the first thing I saw was her cute curls bouncing as she popped her head out her door, and then I felt it… D’s energy. Pushing her back inside, until she kneeled at his feet. I didn’t hear any words, couldn’t even see most of his face, but I felt it.
I wasn’t sure who I was more envious of in that moment. The girl on the floor, kneeling before him, or D, towering over this adorable subby girl kneeling before him. I felt them both, and it felt like fire in me.
D sat us both on the couch and had her watch as he made me come for him. It was so hot, all of it. The entire interaction. It was in that moment that I was so thankful I’d disrespected my anxiety and trigger. She was worth overcoming that. The experience was worth overcoming that.
Later that night, several of us went to the BDSM party, the same one I’d attended the previous year. Including D and s (I’ll call her that for now, though she is not my slave), and the hubby. When we first arrived, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Since the hubby hadn’t been before, I wanted to give him priority of playing with me, but I also hoped for exerting my Domme side and beating on some poor girl. Or s, to be precise. But that’s not how things played out, and what did happen, was so amazing that it’s hard to put words to it.
A couple things about my kinky side will help here. First, I’m both a voyeur and exhibitionist. I also love triads. LOVE them. They don’t have to be sex triads, or relationship triads, it can even be interaction between three people at once. I also LOVE tantra. Energy play is something I’ve studied for many years. It began with Reiki, then moved on to sexual energy exchange. But until I met D, I hadn’t had a party that could do that with me. Energy sex, or tantric sex, is also known as God and Goddess sex. It is the most powerful thing I’ve ever experienced, and still, I cannot put it into words. I’ll make an attempt later in this post though.
I had just enough time to settle in at the party, meet some new people, and the hubby got the tour, when D approached me. He had a gal with him I’d not met before, and they had apparently been talking about dropping and subspace, because when he approached, he was explaining how my eyes would change.
She wanted to see.
D took us to a location where that could happen, and told me to sit on the table and keep my eyes open. I tried my best, but the closer he got to me, the harder that became. I was looking up at him, with her just to his side, when he began counting down. There were several people in the room also watching this demonstration, which I loved so much.
He slapped my cheeks several times, held my mouth open so I’d not tense, and kept counting down. I moved deeper and deeper into subspace for him, feeling each number between my legs, building what I knew would be a fantastic orgasm. One I’d be having in front of all those people watching. Including the hubby, who hadn’t seen me practice tantra before.
I watched his eyes change too. Though not in the same manner as mine were.
D got to one, and told me he was going to slap me so fucking hard when he reached zero and instructed me to come for him. I felt my eyes dilate even more, and I moaned with anticipation.
He hit zero, slapped my cheek, and told me to come.
And I did.
So hard, with all those people watching and listening.
It’s turning me on just remembering it.
He did several more things to demonstrate the variety of choices, and he breathed into me, building me up to orgasm again, holding my mouth open as he did so, and I squeaked and whimpered as the orgasm built, but I had no permission to come yet. He just kept building it. Torturing me in the most fabulous way.
He knew if his fingers hadn’t been in my mouth, holding it open, I’d be begging to come. But I was unable. So it kept building.
When D did finally tell me I could come, I forgot there were even people in the room watching me. He pushed me onto the couch beside me as I came so hard for him. My entire body shook as my kundalini awoke, and I kept coming. I faintly heard voices, I think some talk about me not thinking I was beautiful, and them disagreeing, but it was hard to know exactly what was said because all I knew in that moment was that energy was moving through me, keeping me in an orgasm that was super intense.
Then it happened… The thing I’d been wanting for months, since I’d first realized what I was.
D mentioned God and Goddess sex.
I was still coming lightly when he leaned over me and asked if I was ready to be who I am in front of everyone. I said, “Yes, Lord”. He told me I could come at will, and began breathing into me again, this time with much more force and power.
I allowed myself to open to him completely, and be 100% vulnerable with everyone there, and I came with my whole body. Again and again as he fucked me like a God fucking a Goddess.
It’s hard to explain what this feels like, but to put an attempt at it, the feeling is akin to being transcended into a higher reality. A state of being that doesn’t allow for fear, or dwelling in the past, you are completely present. This can happen fully clothed or naked, with touch or breath, because when you’re working with energy, there aren’t a lot of restrictions.
I was open so much that after coming so long and hard, I finally rolled myself onto the floor. I needed to be there to calm some of the intensity.
D told people they could touch me, and they did. Scratching me, caressing me, it didn’t matter what kind of touch it was, each contact made me orgasm harder. It kept it going.
The fact that I was getting to be myself fully—a Tantrika—made me smile the rest of the night. I have no idea how long it took me to recover, but when I was, I used my fire wands on a couple of people. For those of you who don’t know what that is, know this… It involves flame on your flesh. It’s very hot, and not just in a physical sense. Not only does flame on skin present a sense of fear in a lot of people, but it gives the opportunity to overcome that fear as well. It’s something I am fond of, and I was pleased to be able to use my fire on more than one person.
This weekend was so vastly different than the last two years’ experiences. I wasn’t just there as a spectator, I was there as a completely present person, being myself fully. Unafraid to be me in front of others, with no fear of judgment or ridicule, and it shows me how much I’ve changed. By overcoming my fears and facing these things that triggered me so badly before, I now get to live the life I want to live. One where I don’t have to hide in the shadows or feel consumed by darkness within me. I get to embrace that darkness and ride it like a Goddess. With my head held high, shoulders back, and I get to carry a sword of light and truth as I go forward from here on out.
I had no idea any of this was going to happen. I’d hoped for it one day in the future, but didn’t know I’d be ready now. Embracing who I am fully has changed me. I see things clearer today.
This is the longest blog post I’ve ever written, but I wanted to share this with anyone that wants to read it. Finding inner peace is possible. Embracing yourself fully is possible. Asking for what you want and need is possible, and much more likely to get you what you seek than passive aggressive means.
Being a Tantrika isn’t about some kind of religion or unconscious worship. It’s about being my own divinity. Living in my higher place, with kindness and compassion as my guides. It’s about Being. Not about existing. It’s about accepting the divine in others, and opening to that.
I’ll write much more on this topic, I’m sure, but for now, this shift has allowed me to see people differently. Rather than look into them and see their fears and darkness, I’m seeing their light. Even when the light is almost out and dimmer than a dying candle, I see it. Feel it. And there’s no room in me for focusing on the darkness now. Sure it’s there, we all have it. It serves a purpose too. But this new place of being has moved me to a place that all my woowoo teachings from childhood and adulthood tried to take me, and failed to do so.
Being able to see the light in others, even when they can’t see it, makes even the darkest souls beautiful in that space. If I had to compare it to something specific, in the movie The Cell, while Jennifer Lopez is inside the mind of a serial killer, she goes through maze after maze of darkness and evil. But what she finally finds in the end is a terrified child that is overpowered by the evil that surrounds him. He is innocent, even if everything else around him isn’t. This is the spark I’m seeing now. I can look into even those that have hurt me the most, and see that somewhere inside them, there is still this tiny bit of light—innocence—being smothered by the dark.
I have no idea what this time next year will bring. But I have high hopes, because now I know who and what I am. I’m ready to embrace myself fully, even if others judge me for it. That doesn’t bother me. Because I know what and who I am.
I’ll never forget this weekend. I went in with no expectations for any play with D, or for me to embody in front of others, and I certainly didn’t think the hubby would be so willing to watch me come in front of so many people, and also fulfill my fantasy of both of them taking implements to me. I didn’t think I’d move past a huge trigger so fast, just by disrespecting my anxiety. Yet all these things happened. I got to be both voyeur and exhibitionist, Domme and sub, and the Tantrika Goddess that can be fully open to all those around her. Topping it off with a weekend full of wonderful friends to hang with and stay with, and new people that I look forward to getting to know better. This year marked the difference between the girl in hiding the first year, the girl trying last year, and the girl doing this year.
Signing off again as a different part of me, The Tantrika Goddess.