This is one of those posts that I can’t believe I’m writing. Part of me is telling myself I’m fucking crazy for putting this in a blog post, while the other part is shouting, “If you find this hot, chances are others will too!” The fact is, I know others will too. I can name several right now, though I would never on here. *evil smile*
The topic that has me so hot right now?
Yes. That’s it.
Lately I’ve been noticing how much I withhold certain information from D. Mostly I tell him everything, because I know he doesn’t like it when I withhold, but there are times when I have the ever present battle in my head… Should I tell him or keep this secret?
It’s not that I don’t want to tell him things, or that I like keeping things from him, but it’s a matter of me being afraid to tell period. The information that I keep from him always has to do with me protecting an abuser. Whether it’s an obvious sexual abuser or someone that refuses to respect my boundaries, I’m naturally inclined to protect those—and make excuses for their behavior—that hurt me.
There are many difficult parts to this poor choice, one being that I was trained to keep abusers’ behavior secret. I’m simply following what I was taught. The other difficult part of this is that when I’m sharing things with D, because he’s not getting the full picture, the things he suggests or talks to me about may not work. Sometimes because I’ve withheld a large portion of the picture.
I’m sure it frustrates him when I do this, as I know it does me when subs withhold from me, but I know he also understands. I don’t keep everything from him. Just the things that I feel are going to get me in trouble for sharing. The problem is that I know D needs the whole picture. I know he’ll never force me to turn anyone in or do something that would put me over the edge, so I really need to tell him. But I don’t.
When I keep these things from him, bad things happen.
First, I get a horrible stomachache. Part of this is that the person I’m protecting—the abuser—makes me afraid. I feel pressured, and then get the stomachache. The other part is that I know D cares a great deal and wants to help when I’m not doing well, so when I’ve not told him everything, I feel soooo guilty. Terrible. This makes the stomachache even worse.
I also get incredibly depressed. I feel like I’m a terrible person for finally telling. Then I feel bad for not telling and making excuses. I feel awful that someone hurt me in the first place, and that I didn’t give D all the information. And this goes in circles of recreating trauma and eventually leads to me not eating.
I realized I needed to do something when three days passed and I could hardly eat. My stomach hurt much worse than it had in a long time. Well over a year. Since I know not eating is bad for me, and gets me into trouble, I finally begged D to punish me. In fact, these were my exact words… (Taking out parts where I name names, that is.)
I need to be punished. I want to be, and need to be. It seems silly when I think about it, but I keep going back to protecting abusers. I know I keep things from you. While I’m compassionate to myself over the ‘why’ I do that part, I need to stop. I knew I was keeping things from you and that those things would affect how you saw the situation, and I kept them quiet anyway. Since I know this, and know I want to break this habit of protecting abusers, I’m asking you to correct this behavior. (Officially, I’ll ask properly in person.) I need you to be louder than the voice in my head that tells me not to tell. I’m tired of hurting more because I’m too afraid to speak up. I’ve had a stomachache for days because of this, and it’s not going away. I can hardly eat again, and it’s out of fear that someone will find out I’ve shared and tell me what a terrible person I am, but mostly because I feel horribly guilty for keeping things from you. So I’m asking you to punish me for this. Please, D. Please please please, think about it? I can’t stand this feeling. It’s eating me up. I don’t think it would take long (gosh, could be five minutes really), just needs to be impactful enough that it sets in my head, “Stop protecting abusers!”
Yes, punishment shall be had.
The moment I read that, my stomach stopped hurting. Not only that, but I realized, “Holy hell! I’m starving!” and pretty much ate everything in sight.
This awareness—that D is going to hold me accountable, that he will punish me for this bad behavior of my own—is not only offering me sweet release from this awful pain, but it’s also so damn hot! It’s such a turn on for me, and I can only guess as to why.
I suspect it’s because I, like so many others I know, want to be held accountable. We want people to stop us when we are on a destructive path. We want someone to care enough to tell us no, and correct us.
Not only does D’s voice being louder than the abuser’s help me, but it also shows me how much he cares.
He really is that dominant that when I ask for punishment, he’ll supply it. Because I’m so dominant myself, I need someone who is more dominant than me to correct this and undo what assholes before have done. D is more powerful than my abusers, and I know he can quiet those voices that tell me I’m bad.
All this said, I have no idea what the punishment will entail. It might be he takes his cane to me, or his belt, or he might humiliate me in some way, I just don’t know. And that’s part of the beauty of it. I hope there is some pain involved, because that’s the part that offers me release from guilt, but no matter what he chooses, I’ll be grateful!
This even spawned a new rule—that I am to hear him counting down for me when I can’t eat—and if his counting down doesn’t work, I am to call him. Because I should be able to enjoy eating like normal people. Even when I’m stressed, and even when I’m feeling afraid or guilty.
I’m so thankful that I’m not so proud that I can’t beg for some punishment now and then. This is an area where many of us pain sluts, who’ve had to parent ourselves and never had boundaries, can celebrate and enjoy the hotness of this together!
*added note – Apparently this side is not nearly as exciting as the story of the actual punishment. Do not worry, I will supply that after!