Last night I had a dream I was riding a train with D and some friends. It was a terrible dream where D told me he no longer had time for me because I was too needy, and he was done. Then my friends told me I was too stupid for them, and they no longer had time for me either. All the while the train kept speeding up, and the images of trees outside the window turned to a blur of green. No one else felt the speed increasing.
They went about their business, excluding me from all their intelligent conversations. I sat alone, trying to figure out why no one could see what was happening.
I’d told D that I wasn’t needy, that I’d grown and become more independent than ever, and I told my friends that I was intelligent, that I’d come to understand very complex things that I didn’t get before. Though I was ignored and belittled, their beliefs didn’t change mine.
I woke in a pissy mood. I wasn’t sure what the dream meant. I don’t usually have dreams so detailed unless there’s something bothering me. Yet I couldn’t come up with any one thing getting to me. I was prone to paranoia in the past, but that was before I knew I had PTSD and over-functioned like a maniac. When I began managing those things, the paranoia had no outlet and left. So that didn’t seem the culprit.
I couldn’t put my finger on why the dream was affecting me so much. I’ve thought about it all day, and here’s what I’ve come to…
My subconscious is finally aware of my growth.
In the dream, I stood up for myself. While it was still painful to be told things that weren’t true, the difference between this dream and so many others is that I knew the things said to me were wrong.
I’ve made a lot of changes this last year, and I’ve blogged about most of them. Next year I plan for even more, except this time they’ll be conscious. Not ones that happen because I’ve accepted or overcome something. These new changes will be deliberate and thought out. I’ve already got a list going.
When I put this realization into the dream, the speeding train makes sense. We’re almost into 2016. Beginning in January, I’ll be implementing these improvements to myself. Not as a New Year’s resolution, because those I NEVER stick to. My changes are beginning in January because that’s when my Trauma Yoga class begins.
It’s not 100% that I’ll get in. That I find out within this next week. But even if I don’t, I’m committed to finding something similar.
For the past couple years I’ve focused on my mental and emotional health, and this next year will be about my physical health.
This is not to be confused with body image. That’s separate and I love myself as I am. But physical health is important to me. I’m making sure that I’m eating how my body needs to have me eat, which includes almost no carbs and workouts that shoot for toning rather than cardio.
Physical health also includes yoga and breathing in order to find my calm by myself, without relying on others to get me there.
There are many things I’m stepping up this next year, and though it’s aligning with New Year’s day, it really has little to do with that. This is the right time for these changes in my life.
While my dream didn’t feel good upon awakening, it doesn’t seem so bad now. I don’t think my friends find me ignorant, or that D is tired of me and wants me gone, nor am I on some crazy train that will continue to speed up and eventually crash. The dream feels like a simple acknowledgement that no matter what those in my life think about me, it’s my view of myself that matters most. And my subconscious is finally getting up to speed on that. I’m also quickly approaching these physical changes that do feel scary in some ways, especially the Trauma Yoga class, as I don’t know how that will go. So the speeding train seems fitting on more than one level.
Understanding that this dream wasn’t some kind of warning, but instead an acknowledgment of growth, has lifted my mood. I’ve not been able to turn these feelings around so quickly in the past. It’s yet another bit of proof as to how far I’ve come.
I could have had the same dream last year and would have assumed it was about something bad. But this year I’ve retrained my thoughts to see the positive. I went from darkness, to a match lighting a smallest bit of truth, to many flames of enlightenment. (Spoken in a non woowoo sense, of course!)
I’m looking forward to where I’ll be this time next year.