Unsure and Insecure

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Today was my first day of Trauma Sensitive Yoga. I’ve been excited since I found out I got in, but last night all hell broke loose. I started getting triggered because the class offers a safe place to release trauma stored in the body. And I’m fully aware I still have stored trauma. I went in with the intent to release any I could and to do it on my own. Without requiring one of my supports (or the main support to be most accurate) to be there.

Yesterday evening the realization that I would be releasing anything in front of strangers (not a requirement, but it’s my intent) hit me hard. I got triggered and hypersensitive to everything around me. I also became paranoid, insecure, and unsure of my decision to do this.

Today I didn’t want to go.

Only I did want to go. I wanted to fulfill my promise to the studio and myself. I want to rely on myself to be my own keeper of my healing. And I’ve not been doing that. So I knew I needed to go and at least try. I also knew I could leave any time I needed to without judgment.

During the class I noticed several things. First, I’m not present nearly as often as I thought I was. Tonight was no exception. The studio is right by the train tracks and every so often a train would pass and make me check out. Trains were something I’d already worked through, but it was making me disassociate. This bothered me a great deal. Except it ended up helping me figure out why I’d been so nervous to go.

Which is the second thing I realized, I store trauma in two places in my body that until tonight I didn’t understand. Now I know why I have pain in my wrists and hips, even though I’d always thought it was simply my joints. It’s not. And the acts from my past that caused this pain in my wrists and hips and led to my stored trauma, took place while the trains were passing by. These things connected.

Third, and this one is most important currently… I hate being present.

I want to be, because when I’m present there is a calm that follows. But being present is fucking painful. It means that I’m tuned in to every part of my body. All the parts that ache and throb because of memories and unexposed trauma. ALL the parts that I’m so used to disassociating from and not paying attention too. Paying attention means acknowledging.

The instructor kept saying things that pulled me present again. Causing me to focus on what part of my body was touching the floor, mat, what was cool or textured, and these things were helpful. Being pulled into the present was what I wanted. What I’ve been working to achieve, so why was it also so painful?

Suppressed trauma sucks.

I can’t be present without moving through more pain.

I don’t know where I’m at with this yet. I loved the class. Felt safe and comfortable there. The people were warm and welcoming. And I still feel terrible. I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t want to engage. I just want to cry and hide behind a rock for a while.

That’s where I’m at.

I know my body is fighting this because there is a part of me that doesn’t want to face that I’ve been storing all of this trauma. All of this pain. It’s been my safety. My pain has kept me company almost my entire life. It’s a companion that isn’t easy to give up. But it must go.

I’m still triggered by this, but it’s different than usual. Though my head is confused and it’s hard to know if I’m even making sense in this post, I’m also calm. And that’s new.

So I will stick with this and hope that just like with therapy, each session will get easier. I put forth the intention to release all the pain and trauma I can, to absorb all the lovely compassion being given, and allow myself the gift of being present as much as possible.

Namaste

 

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About authorsienna

Author * Speaker * Blogger on sex, erotica, LGBTQ, BDSM, Dominance, submission, consent, and polyamory. Authors tales of dark desires and hidden fantasies.
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