This isn’t a fun post or one full of nice things to say. It’s quite the opposite in fact, and probably full of ranting and venting. But I’m angry, resentful, fed up, and I need to let it out.
I know so many wonderful people, and sadly have known so many terrible ones as well. People who’ve said, “Don’t tell!” and while this may seem like it just connects to childhood abuse, it doesn’t. This has come from former friends and family, and some current. People who tell lies and play mind games and require secrecy because the openness would take away their power to manipulate and control others. This isn’t control I’ve consented to.
And I’m angry. Enraged by this expectation and demand.
Sometimes it’s hard because I want to be professional and when this type of behavior touches areas of work, it becomes much more complex. But I’ve figured something out recently… and that’s that I can be professional and still be honest. Abusive liars don’t deserve me protecting them. Especially when their lies are hurting others I care about. That’s bullshit I won’t tolerate.
There’s a word for these types of nonconsensual controlling assholes…
“Narcissism is often associated with its many external manifestations, including attention seeking, grandstanding, superficial charm, lack of reliability, boundary violation, manipulation, and many other traits.” – Preston Ni M.S.B.A. Phycology Today
I’m tired of protecting these people. All of them.
I’m not going to call out all of these people in a public forum (by name anyway), because that’s overkill. But from now on, if I want to share I will.
When people want to control others in this nonconsensual manner, that control depends on complete obedience and secrecy. Things I’ve not agreed to.
This isn’t to say that if someone is having a hard time and needing to confide in me, that I’ll sing their secrets. That is an entirely different animal. The kind of secret keeping I’m talking about in this post comes from someone telling me I can’t talk about something they’ve done to me. Or something that happened between us that hurt me. It’s controlling who I tell what to and why. And it’s about one simple thing… them not wanting to look bad to others.
It’s all about them.
This really tells me all I need to know. Because these people (yes, all of them I’m speaking about in this post) don’t give a flying fuck about what I’m feeling and how much it might help me to talk about it. The ONLY thing they care about is not looking bad to others.
To the assholes doing this, FUCK YOU. I don’t care how you look. If you don’t want to look bad, stop being jerks. Stop lying and manipulating people. Stop using them. Stop starting fights and then playing the victim. Get over yourselves already.
It’s really not hard to have your integrity called into question. A wise person showed me this. He didn’t get upset or defensive when I did this to him. This taught me so much. I need to be able to have my integrity called into question too.
Narcissists can’t handle that.
Calling their integrity into question is usually followed by verbal bullying, controlling demands, and fear-based threats.
It’s so hard for me to separate these types of people from the good ones. But this is an easy way. If people can have their integrity called into question and not attack me for doing it, that says they are open and likely a better person. If the person responds by panicking and spending the next hour convincing me that they are not the thing I say they are, well… chances are this isn’t someone I need around.
For now, /rant over. /vent over. But let this be a warning to anyone wanting to control me without my permission, I will no longer allow this toxic behavior.
This song above sums up the most important thing… “You did not break me.”