Consent is something I’ve written about several times now, but in this post I’m going to cover some areas that are often overlooked. Part of this post was a request, and the rest I feel fits well with the subject manner.
To begin, let’s recap on what consent is. Consent means having permission or negotiation for something to happen. It’s an agreement. This kind of agreement can be verbal or written, but it needs to be at least one of those.
When no words are written or spoken, there is no consent.
Consent cannot be implied or assumed.
The reason I recap is because these areas I’m writing about are often looked at as ‘grey’ areas. And no, I don’t mean the fifty shades kind of grey. I’m referring to areas that are overlooked because they don’t appear to be boundary crossing and nonconsensual, yet they very much are.
If a Dom/Domme were to force a sub to do something and there was no consent, most people would gasp and scream, “That’s not okay!” And they’d be right. But what happens when a sub forces something on a Dom/Domme? Or when someone expects someone to be in control—pressures that person—and that person has no desire to Dom/Domme/Top?
These kinds of things happen much more often than they are spoken about, and that’s bad. These acts of non-consent are dangerous and disrespectful. They deserve attention.
If someone were to force me to submit or have sex with them, that would be a clear violation. Yet I’ve had people want me to Domme them, Top them, tell them what to do, and at times that desire has come with pressure, manipulation, and deceit. Forcing or manipulating/pressuring someone into Topping you is just as much a violation as forcing them to submit.
Neither contains consent.
I have a suspicion the reason why this topic is so often overlooked is because submissives are—by way of submitting—already in a position of less control. This lack of control is an illusion, of course, as subs have safe words and choose to submit. But the fact remains that if a Dom/Domme/Top forces something on their sub and doesn’t get prior consent, most people will see that as unacceptable. They’ll have no issues raking that abusive D or T over the coals.
So why is it okay for subs to push things on their partner? To force their wants and desires on someone when that person has clearly stated or shown they aren’t interested? Why is it okay for a sub to cross their partner’s boundaries and disrespect their needs?
Oh wait, it’s NOT!
I don’t care if it’s conscious or not, a submissive forcing a partner in this manner isn’t consensual. It’s just as much a violation as the reverse. Even if it’s a sub pushing someone into a Dominant role because, “I’m so weak I need you to tell me what to do…”
The fact that a sub would push suggests that the sub is really Topping from the bottom or a D masquerading as a sub. I’ve seen this happen with friends, and I have to say, it’s dishonest. It takes me back to those relationships where I’ve watched one party expect the other to change. To be molded and manipulated into becoming what that person wants without any regard for the other’s needs. It’s disgusting and abusive, and it’s coming from people claiming to be on the bottom, subs that play stupid and pretend they aren’t trying to control the situation or person.
This kind of *top me, control me, you’re in charge even though I’m completely manipulating you and pushing you past your comfort zone* behavior is ABUSIVE.
It’s never okay to push someone’s boundaries without consent. I add without consent because when consent is given to push boundaries, that changes everything. But without that verbal or written permission, taking a partner past their comfort zone is an act of abusive aggression. It’s telling that other person that their needs aren’t important, their comfort is of no concern, and that the only thing that matters is the pusher’s needs.
This is unacceptable.
Boundary crossing is a huge issue in our society. The passive aggressive means in which some people try to get their needs met is repulsive and again, abusive. It’s never okay to force someone into a position or action they aren’t comfortable with.
This happens to Doms/Dommes/Tops and sometimes to people who have no interest in Topping or bottoming, subbing or Dom/Domming. It’s simply not okay.
Consent needs to be mutual. That means it must be a written or verbal agreement, as in both parties! Which also means that consent can be withdrawn by either party.
Ignoring your partner’s needs/boundaries isn’t consensual.
Forcing your will on another, no matter how simple that action may appear to be, isn’t consensual.
Pushing someone into the role of Topping or Dominating you, isn’t consensual.
Ignoring your partner’s needs/boundaries really tells them one thing, “I don’t give a fuck about you. My needs supersede yours.” Not only is this behavior nonconsensual, but why would anyone want to send this kind of message to their partner?
If you want to be the sub, is it really a good idea to demand your partner OBEY?
There is a simple and clear solution here, pay attention and respect others’ boundaries and needs just as you want them to respect yours. When this doesn’t happen, people feel uncomfortable, angry, even violated, and with good reason.
Respecting others is easy when you have good intentions.
I wanted to write about this because I’m an advocate for all consent. I’m tired of seeing and hearing about only one side of the coin. Forcing a Dom/Domme/Top past their boundary or pushing someone with no interest into the role of Dom/Domme/Top is a violation of consent. It’s abuse. And whether the person being violated is the actual Dom/Domme/Top or the person being forced into that role, the end result is still the same… the person being pushed and not respected is the one being violated.
Hopefully this will help shed some light on an issue that’s often ignored. Submissives abuse too. A topic in which I brought up in my post about 50 Shades of Grey some months back, as Anastasia continuously violated Christian’s boundaries around being touched. Violation is violation, abuse is abuse.
If you’ve been pushed past your boundaries or into a role you’re not comfortable with, speak out against it. Because you are being abused.
image by miguel ugalde on freeimages.com