I had quite a bit of fun with D over the phone today. Good conversation, lots of energy play, and so much coming! The combination left me deep and squirming, but also understanding a great deal more about myself. Which is leading to this lovely post! In order to understand why today meant so much, I need to go back in time a bit.
A few years ago I was in a much darker place and completely in denial of who I was. I wasn’t getting the results I wanted in my dating life (or with anything really) and a friend at that time suggested I dress sexier, be more flirtatious, and project more confidence. It was something she did and it worked for her. But I argued with her about it. Told her I didn’t want to be seen as sexual. In fact, I often got irritated when she’d suggest such things because I felt she was pushing her way on me. Maybe she was, or maybe she was seeing something in me that I didn’t want to see, that I thought was shameful and wrong.
My arguing backfired, though, because later when I began exuding more sexuality, she thought I was degrading myself. Behaving out of desperation rather than finally accepting who I am. This is what happens when we don’t live our truth… The moment we begin to, we look like liars, or inconsistent, or even desperate.
The truth is that I was finally feeling more myself than ever. Which included dressing sexier, being more flirtatious, and therefore gaining confidence. The thing I’d fought and argued over was what I wanted and needed because it’s who I am. It’s who I’ve always been, even if I haven’t always embraced it.
I am a sexual Goddess.
And that’s fantastic.
I love humiliation and intimidation (both giving and receiving), and I love walking around feeling like I’m having one long orgasm. I LOVE being a sexual person and proud of it. I love coming in front of an audience. As well as taking charge and making some little slut come for me in front of an audience. I love making someone stutter as they try to speak to me as I’m exerting all that sexualness. All these amazing things I’d not be actively doing had I not embraced myself.
This touched so many things in my life. My shame and guilt over being this way kept me from writing erotica as well as the nonfiction, where my strength is. All the denial put me in conflict with myself, with no chance for happiness as I struggled with self-judgment and doubt.
I owe this person who’d tried to get me to see these things an apology. If said person happens to read this, I’m sorry for getting angry with you over this rather than listening and embracing who I am.
I’m a very lucky girl. I have a supportive Dom and husband, who often times work together to make me happy and help me. And without each of their parts—though vastly different—I don’t feel I’d have been able to embrace this side of me with such joy. I’d likely still be stuck in shame, self-defeat, and misery.
Even the other day when I’d shared some struggles I’m having with the hubby, he reached out to D and asked that he call. Then D got me wired and full of Goddess fire and sent me out to the hubby for some fun. This is My Life! This awesomeness is what I get to live every day. And this isn’t taking into account my phenomenal friends and play partners, or new potentials that I’m still getting to know.
I get to live this dream of a life because I’m not afraid to be myself.
Today, as I lay in bed coming again and again, D messed with my head. He bounced me between being submissive and Dominant until finally—as he put it—these two parts of me that have always conflicted, began singing in harmony. It was an energy I’d never been able to maintain. Usually, I violently shift from submissive to Dominant and back, but no longer is this the case! Today, I maintained both at once because I didn’t deny myself this. I didn’t put myself into a box that said, “You can’t be both of these at once. It’s not possible.”
It is possible.
I am a paradox.
The important thing wasn’t denying this highly sexual side of me. It was learning to have boundaries around it. For others and myself. Things must be consensual and it seems that may have been a lot of my issue with embracing myself before. It’s hard when you don’t have healthy boundaries and an understanding of consent vs. enthusiastic consent.
It’s funny, but so often I think I’ve reached this amazing place and I don’t see how things could possibly get better. Then days like today happen and everything changes again. For the better. And I’m left scratching my head and wondering what else will change as I continue to embrace who I am without fear or judgment.
My conversation today began because a cashier looked up at me, blushed, asked to use the restroom, then gave me chocolate for being patient while he did so. He kept blushing and was having a hard time maintaining eye contact. Even talking clearly. Something about me affected him in a big way, and when D asked what I thought this person was doing in the bathroom, I was equally as turned on as I was frustrated. Like, why does everything have to go there for me? Why always sexual? Why do I both love and hate that maybe I’d turned him on?
It’s because I will always be this paradox. Understanding that is freeing. Being me is freeing.
And freedom is sexy.
~ image by Gary Romin on freeimages.com ~