Integrity is essential for me. I used to think that there were shades of it or levels that one could possess. It’s only recently that I’ve realized you can’t have ‘some’ integrity. People either have it or they don’t. There’s no in-between.
This is a huge concept for me to suddenly grasp.
There is no such thing as some integrity.
Sure there are aspects of integrity that people can possess part time, like being honest. But when you have integrity, you’re honest all the time. You’re honest even when what you have to say to someone is hard and brutal. Even if it crushes them. It also means that if we are morally upright, that we will listen when someone tells us something that crushes us.
I’m finding that some people don’t understand this. They feel they are moral and have integrity, yet they lie and twist events to fit the skewed scenario created in their heads (that, not surprisingly, always paints them the victim). They proudly go forth exclaiming they’ve grown and learned, yet all they do is blame.
For the first time I’ve finally grasped that the people that I thought had some integrity, don’t, because there is no some. They just lack. Maybe these people need to twist stories so they can sleep at night without being consumed by guilt, but believe me, lies are lies. Even when I was only lying to protect abusive people, my head simply registered ‘liar’. I dealt with guilt and shame and self-loathing my entire life because of it. Well, until D remedied that for me. (big grins) So when we lie to ourselves with the illusion it’s helping, it’s not. Lying to ourselves by twisting what happened only makes things worse. It means there will never be healing because there is no truth.
This realization may not seem like a big deal to some. But it’s huge for me. I’ve gone my whole life understanding that there is one percent white, one percent black, and ninety-eight percent shades of gray. I used to think integrity fit in many areas of gray as well, but this isn’t the case. It only fits in the one percent of goodness. The white. The light. Whatever you want to call it. It cannot exist anywhere else.
This will shift how I see things from this point forward and in many ways, make my life easier as I look back on my childhood and continue to face my trauma. I thought I’d share because next week I’m asking someone to help heal my broken jaw. Not the broken joint that can never go back, but to help me release the last of the pain that resides there every time I think about what happened. And I’ll likely blog about all of it too. Seeing the two people that caused me such pain in the proper light will be good for me.
While this post began with me reading some nonsense from someone playing the blame game again, I can’t really complain. Because that annoyance led me to look up integrity, and that’s when I realized these people from my past had none.
Sometimes I wonder how people can play the blame game and claim abuse when I still have a hard time with blaming the two people that caused most of my trauma. Two people that I still try to defend and find good in regardless of if they’re lacking. It makes me shake my head at the pathetic people that can’t own their shit and I want to say, “If you can’t swim in the deep end, get the fuck out of the pool. Some of us have real work to do.” Because some of us do. We have real trauma that fucking sucks to work through. We struggle because we defend our abusers, as we were trained to do.
Yet it’s the idiots trying to swim in the deep end, shitting in the pool and blaming the person next to them, that made me see this. So I guess, thank you. Your inability to own your shit led me to realize that my actual abusers lacked integrity. They had no light. No goodness. And they gave me no truth.
What happens next week will be a huge deal for me. I’ve come through so much and facing this one area (that I actually thought I’d gotten past), will make a huge difference in the amount of joy I feel going forward. Having constant pain in my jaw is a reminder day in and day out of what was done to me. I can’t wait to have this pain be gone.
It’s odd how some annoying commentary, a word, and a definition can lead to such a huge understanding for me. But hey, I’m not gonna complain!