I’ve had some major growth recently around healing my jaw—which led to sooo much more—and I’d promised to share about it when I was able. So here it is… Some of this will get into the darker details of my childhood trauma and cover how I’ve dealt with it, and these details can’t be unknown. While I’m not a fan of trigger warnings, this will have graphic descriptions as they are/were necessary for my healing process. As with all my trauma, there is also transcendence and transformation of pain into pleasure. This will not be solely about dealing with abuse. *guilty grin*
To begin, I’ll recap this part; I was hit on the side of my head with a 2×4 for kissing. This broke my jaw and to this day, it’s still broken. No surgery exists for fixing it. People have tried to heal it, treat it, improve it, anything they can to relieve my pain there, but it rarely lasts.
Part of that is because I wouldn’t allow it to heal.
I didn’t understand this though, and thought I was just protective of my jaw. But that’s not the case. As D accidently stumbled across one of my PTSD landmines, I remembered the reason why I didn’t feel like I could let it heal.
When I was still young and in pain because my jaw hadn’t healed yet, the pastor rapist kept making me perform oral on him. I’d plead with him not to, tell him how much it hurt, and he’d tell me he didn’t care. He didn’t give me permission to heal.
So I didn’t.
This is how people traumatizing us as kids can carry many years into adulthood. I’m not young, yet I didn’t realize after all this time that I needed permission to heal. But I did.
I told D, and he gave me permission—more demanded—that I allow myself to heal. While that was the first step, I still needed to get the work done. Then allow my emotional pain to finally release. So the massage therapist got to work on my jaw. She used massage to stretch the fascia there, and some energy work to help me release. But every time the pain and trauma would surface, I’d panic and start to shut down. Thankfully, D was there to crack me back open and give me lots of yummy encouragement to let it out. With the help of both parties, I finally felt safe to let it all go.
This involved many bizarre and fucked up visuals I needed to play out in my head. Including biting off the pastor’s penis and watching him bleed. Me tasting his blood and liking it. Me watching him scream in horror as I consumed the phallus that caused me so much pain. Then I burned him to a crisp with all my lovely Goddess fire.
I was thankful the woman working on me understood what needed to happen and was open, because I was finally able to release all of it. I’ll likely still need work done on my jaw physically, but so much is already better. My jaw is lower now, and I talk differently.
The most beautiful thing was that after, I got to be held. She felt very much like a mother figure, while D a father figure. I felt so safe in their arms—though at separate times—and the experience opened me so much more than before. It showed me that there is an entire part of me that I keep locked away. I’ve felt it in small doses, but I got to be small and innocent. Cherished and loved.
And that was so fucking hot!
Once it was just D and I again, I was more open and vulnerable to him than ever before. Which meant he gave me sexual experiences that thus far, had only been fantasies. Just thinking about it makes me wet and squirmy. I was so deep for him, soaking up every touch, whether rough grabbing or a gentle caress. Then, he fulfilled one of my biggest and most delicious fantasies. It was so forbidden and kinky! And while I won’t go into detail on what specifically that was—you know, privacy and all—I will say that I almost passed out. I was so turned on and into it that I kept forgetting to breathe. Plus, he’s rather intense!
Damn, now I’m squirming and turned on just writing this!
I was beaten in ways I hadn’t dared explore before, and fucked in ways I hadn’t been, and the entire time I was Daddy’s princess. Safe, secure, and coming hard. I experienced a lovely amount of humiliation, and it came via compassion to my shock and confusion.
I learned so many things about myself during this time. Like how I keep my ‘physical’ sexual side closed off. Or did, anyway. All of this opened me up. I now see I want that innocent and vulnerable side of me to be open all the time, and that part of me needs a Daddy. Or more than one. I’m so lucky to have more than one Dominant man in my life!
And I need lots of sex! So much sex! But not quiet and gentle sex, though that’s not bad. I need intense and passionate sex. In. Every. Hole. I warned you this would get graphic!
But as with all of my other realizations, I also need the opposite. This is the paradox of me again. Because I also need to be the powerful Goddess that burns jerks to a crisp. That finds pleasure in punishing them and holding them accountable. I need to humiliate as much I am humiliated. I am forever that paradox.
One of the most beautiful things D did for me was re-contextualize soft touch. Especially gentle touch on my jaw. It went from painful and causing me to curl inward on myself, to being pleasurable. This was a wonderful gift.
Yet it didn’t end there.
The following day I was tasked with venturing out to different piercing locations. Why? To get my nipples pierced! I’ve wanted it for a long time, but I’ve either not the had finances or I’ve chickened out. But D told me if I was a good girl and worked through the trauma around my jaw, then he might get my nipples pierced.
I did as instructed and visited multiple locations, but part of me didn’t think he’d actually get me pierced. Partly because I’m so used to people giving me things with strings attached, or giving me things to make up for wrong doing. So a reward gift felt weird and I didn’t believe it until we were there, in the piercing parlor, filling out paperwork.
Then it happened. Needles pierced my soft tissue and I suddenly had lovely jewelry through my nipples.
I didn’t understand until afterward when I was feeling the swelling and throb kick in, that D had another reason for gifting me that. The piercings are something that can be felt at all times, and each time I feel them, I get to know I’m small and safe as Daddy’s princess. I’m even more powerful through this level of vulnerability.
When I realized recently that one of my close family members is likely a borderline (based on my revelations to my therapist and her feedback), it kind of mowed me over. I’ve always protected this person and made excuses for her. Yes, even after my caning for that very thing! And when I felt the heartache that came with this understanding, I also felt my nipples throb. Felt the safety of D over me, as well as my husband, and it made dealing less difficult.
My jaw feels so much better now. And my nipples are sore and that’s fantastic. I feel so loved. So protected. Which is helping me deal with all my feelings of prior abandonment.
Plus, I get to feel D’s hard cock every time he tells me to. Feel it fill me in every hole if that’s what he orders. I get to have all the sex, in all the ways I want, as much as I want. Because I’m safe to do so.
I also get to love the fact that the people in my life love me, want me safe, and want me having all the lovely sex I desire. Which right now, is a lot!
All of these experiences led me to more healing and vulnerability. And D hasn’t done something terrible or expected something from me for all the nice things he did. Plus, I got to explore more sexually than before I’d dealt with my jaw trauma. Partly because it can take more now. Pun intended.
All of this because I had the courage to let the terrible things haunting me surface. Dealing with trauma sucks. I won’t lie. It’s just as painful coming out as it was when it happened. I feel it all over again. But letting it out is the only way I heal. This won’t be the case for everyone, but it is for me. I have to feel it to heal it.
And it’s all been worth it.
D has made sure that every pain becomes a pleasure, and that is a gift that I can cherish and enjoy just as I will my pierced nipples. And others have offered their own loving kindness through their willingness to get D and I time together and/or through physical and energy work on me. I’m so thankful that there is love all around me, and the right kind of love at that. ❤
*image by lou24860 on freeimages.com*