Most days I’m flying high and feeling great, then I begin to feel it. The eventual fall, the moment when all that’s good and great in my life will turn upside down, leaving me hurt again. While this level of ‘hurt’ hasn’t happened in many years, this feeling is still something I have to fight. No matter how far I come or how much I completely understand my process and cycles, this dip in my mood still happens and I have to work through it each time.
But I do work through it.
Today is one such day.
I woke with deep sadness and some hopelessness this morning. And fear, can’t forget that one. Fear that these wonderful things in my life are a mere illusion and reality—pain, lies, abuse—are right around the corner waiting to swallow me up the minute I wake from my good dream.
Every time this mood/dip comes, I have a choice to give into it and return to my slump, diving back into depression and unhappiness. Years ago, this was when my paranoia would kick in and I’d start looking at everyone like they were out to get me. Like there was some gigantic conspiracy with me at the center as if I were the most important person on the planet.
This, of course, is complete and utter shit.
I see this now and actively scrape the illusion of everyone is an abuser out to get me, right off the bottom of my shoe as I would my dogs’ piles in the yard. Because it’s a lie.
Reality is right here with me just as the illusions are, and reality tells me (shows me) that people love me. My chosen family is honest even when it’s hard and they tell me things to keep me on my path of growth. They listen, support me, encourage me, and most of all, give me healthy boundaries and accept mine for them. This is kindness, and I listen to these people and take their words to heart. Reality shows me how much people go out of their way to help me and make my life better.
Yet even with that understanding, I still have to deal when I begin down the path of victimhood. Of helplessness.
Now, I use my resources. I understand that every time I experience a lot of hope and excitement, I then prep for the bomb to fall soon after. I know this, so can work to manage the outcome.
While there are many things I do and have done to work through these feelings, my favorite is Dominance and submission. Because what’s at the root of any sort of spin like this is fear and knowing I’m not in control—that I’m small, safe and protected—makes me feel instantly secure. It stops the downward spiral.
Sometimes I allow the spiral so I can learn to self-manage, but this method isn’t as fast or as satisfying. Heh, blushing now…
There are many things that help when I’m in this place. This morning I asked for the hubby to spank me, and he did. It certainly helped and gave me some stability. But he needed to leave and I wasn’t quite where I needed to be yet.
I then told D how I was feeling, and he gave me instructions that led to delicious outcomes. I came hard and cried out several times. His gift carried me the rest of the way, so after that, I felt completely calm and safe.
This is how I heal.
I understand that no two paths are alike. We all have to do what works for us. With the caveat that those things actually help us grow and don’t keep us stagnant and continuing on our cycle of destruction.
When I first entered my D/s relationship, the feeling I’d get from submission lasted that moment or slightly after. Over time, this grew to last for days, then weeks, and now months at a time. Soon, it will be even longer. If this wasn’t happening, I’d try something new. I’d not stay on this path. But my path works for me, and it means I come and come and come and get to be who I am at my deepest, most sensual level.
I used to sit in that negative headspace and spin out of control for months on end, but this morning I recognized the downward spiral and within hours, had my needs met and was back to normal. It’s like a reset to my endocrine system that brings balance and proper function back to me. My mood settles, organs begin functioning properly, fatigue goes away, and I’m energized and ready to go.
The most important part of my journey has been embracing what my needs are and asking for those needs to be met by those that can meet them. Each person in my life offers something different. Not all fit this D/s mold. But all are important.
I think back on a few years ago when I’d be mortified to write something like this, or to ask to be beaten or to submit, or to even admit that I had issues and that most of what I perceived as an attack was actually in my head. Yet here I am today, unafraid to say any of this or share it with complete strangers.
I’m a kinky girl that finds healing and comfort in submission.
Embracing this fact means I get to heal with all the pleasure and joy that comes with submission, and all I need is to be on my knees, staring up, and asking, “Please, Sir?”
*image by cathy29 on freeimages.com*