Not so Safe and Sound

green-survival-1245864I was doing some editing tonight and the song Safe and Sound came on by Capital Cities. I used to love this song and occasionally still do, but tonight it rather pissed me off. I suspect because I don’t feel safe and sound. This is a surprise to me given all the things I have in place to ensure I do feel safe. I’m also aware that this feeling of unsafeness isn’t real. It feels real, but I’m actually quite safe.

I even know the exact thing making me feel this way. I chose to talk to someone about my memories and it wasn’t easy to talk to this person. But knowing this is the source isn’t helping.

As I was stewing in this unsafe feeling, Pompeii by Bastille came on. The lyrics, “But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all? And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you’ve been here before? How am I gonna be an optimist about this? How am I gonna be an optimist about this?”

The words carried deeply into me because I feel like nothing has changed. Despite clear evidence things have.

Yet this feeling is still here. The one that makes me think I’m running in circles. The one that makes me think I’ve done something wrong and need to be punished. It still amazes me how so much damage can be done by telling kids things to keep them under control.

Today the hubby and I figured out how to fix our sink. The pipes had disintegrated and water was leaking everywhere. We had never done it, yet we figured it out and swapped out all the piping. We solved the problem by not panicking and just doing it.

I know this is my norm. If I don’t have an answer, I find it. If I don’t know how to do something, I figure it out. I know how to do this because I know how to survive. This seems like it would make me feel safe, yet it doesn’t.

There are so many things I want to do and I worry they’ll never happen. It seems like part of me believes they won’t happen because I’m still not worthy of them. And that’s frustrating because I know I’m worthy. The problem is that I’m in this place of surviving because I don’t really know anything else. I start to see it, and feel it, life–not just survival, but then it’s gone in a flash and I’m back to where I’d started.

At least that’s how it feels.

So all day today I’m going to honor my survival. I’m going to think about it, cherish it, let it consume me completely, and then the following day I’ll move on. I can still appreciate all that I learned during these moments of mere ‘surviving’, but I’m ready to live in a way I never have. I’m done with small glimpses of happiness.

I want to enjoy life every day.

After I began writing this, Alive by Sia came on. I’ve shared her songs on my blog before and I’m sharing this one now. I’d not heard this one before tonight, despite loving so many of her songs, and it gave me an understanding of where I’ve been and how I’m ready to get off this road.

If the above link doesn’t appear, here is the song on youtube.

I was born in a thunderstorm
I grew up overnight
I played alone
I played on my own
I survived

Hey
I wanted everything I never had
Like the love that comes with light
I wore envy and I hated that
But I survived

I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go
Where the wind don’t change
And nothing in the ground can ever grow
No hope, just lies
And you’re taught to cry in your pillow
But I survived

I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing
I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing
I’m alive
I’m alive
I’m alive
I’m alive

I found solace in the strangest place
Way in the back of my mind
I saw my life in a stranger’s face
And it was mine

I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go
Where the wind don’t change
And nothing in the ground can ever grow
No hope, just lies
And you’re taught to cry in your pillow
But I survived

*image by Richmond Paul Ruiz on freeimages.com*

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About authorsienna

Author * Speaker * Blogger on sex, erotica, LGBTQ, BDSM, Dominance, submission, consent, and polyamory. Authors tales of dark desires and hidden fantasies.
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