Letting out a bit-o-rage.
As many of you know, I’ve had some rough days lately. This may sound odd, but they are actually good, healthy, great for healing types of rough. But I’m angry. Full of rage through this process. And while I had planned a very different blog post tonight, I can’t post that one yet. Not without more information. This has left me feeling silenced, even if this silence is self-inflicted. The problem is that silence fills me with rage.
I’ve never been the type to yell at people. My husband might argue this as there have been a couple times where we’ve had a shouting match, but it’s rare. I just don’t like yelling. I don’t yell at family, don’t yell at friends or coworkers. In fact, in the past when someone did something that hurt me, I was so passive about it that I ended up making it out like it wasn’t a big deal. Even if it was. This is because I don’t like being angry with people.
I’m usually quiet. I usually just take it. I used to anyway. Now I won’t yell, but I won’t allow someone to scream at me either. Talking is the only way I’ll communicate. If we can’t talk in a normal tone, then the convo waits or never happens.
But this hasn’t served me either because I need to get this rage out.
Feeling silenced is something that’s come with many years of abuse and specific silencing techniques. There have been many used on me and I fell in line with all of them. No matter if they were the harsh kind of silencing, like someone threatening to harm me or kill one of my family members if I told, or if they were more mellow, like attacking me in a manner with which I’m limited legally to respond. No matter the type, they are all bad.
I almost have more tolerance for those that threatened me in person–directly. At least they had the guts to do so to my face. Some attack based on half-assed assumptions and do it indirectly. I really hate that shit.
I hate cowards.
Most abusers are cowards.
While I’ve spoken before about not protecting abusers, the problem with that is that I’m usually referring to people in my past. While there are plenty in the here and now that abuse as well. They don’t deserve my silence either. No abuser deserves my silence.
Therefore, I’m going to tell off all the people that lied to me, hurt me, used sensitive topics to attack me, yelled at me, threatened me, bullied me, cussed at me, aggressively accused me of things rather than just talk to me, threatened my loved ones, physically harmed me, told me I couldn’t share when something was mine to share, lied about me, or tried to silence me by ANY abusive means whether past or present. There is a large number involved here, so here it goes…
To the girl in second grade that said I stole her pencil sharpener, how could you accuse me of such a thing? To the boy that looked under my skirt while I hung from the monkey bars, that was wrong! To the teacher that yelled at me for talking while I was silently watching the concert, what the hell? To my old boss, that insisted no one was to blame for an error unless she made it and *had* to blame someone else, really??? To the landlord that tried to lie to me when I had proof on videotape, nice try… To all the kids who said I was annoying, or a geek, or a slut, yeah yeah. To the ones now that gossip, get a life. No really, get a life.
Maybe you’re reading this now going, “What the fuck? She’s lost it… This isn’t about real abusers and telling people off.” And if you’re thinking that, you’re partially right. The things listed above happened. They were hurtful, many making assumptions, but the reality is that they were also people just being people and I got caught in the middle.
So what makes the people in the above paragraph different? Yes, some attacked based on assumption. Others lied. Some violated my privacy. But the major difference was there was no threat or silencing. No one did something that made it hard for me to talk about it. In fact, I could call those people out by name and they’d likely not remember or apologize and laugh about their mistake. Because while they hurt me, there wasn’t the level of malicious intent as the others had.
1. desire to inflict injury, harm, or suffering on another, either because of a hostile impulse or out of deep-seated meanness:
the malice and spite of a lifelong enemy.
2. Law. evil intent on the part of a person who commits a wrongful act injurious to others.
1. full of, characterized by, or showing malice; intentionally harmful; spiteful:
2. Law. vicious, wanton, or mischievous in motivation or purpose.
To those that did and still do have malicious intent, I have only this to say, “F-u, F-off, and all the F’s in between.” Because while I still deal with feeling silenced, I’m not. Bullying doesn’t gain you my silence. Lying doesn’t gain you my silence. All it *does* gain you is me using my proof against you.
While I have many places to release my rage, and some even quite delightful and often begged for, the main home for my rage from this point on is not being silenced. The difference between this and where I’ve been before is that in the past, I’ve not called people out. I’ve not shown my proof by placing my cards on the table. There is no reason why these toxic types of people should EVER be protected. That is the exact opposite of what *should* be happening.
People are so often afraid to speak out. And with all the bullshit ‘slander’ lawsuit threats, it’s no wonder that abusers are protected so often. Someone recently said to me, “But if I report this, I can get sued for slander.” My response was, “Anyone can sue anyone, but truth is truth and fact is fact. Slander doesn’t factor in when there’s proof.”
Slander gets thrown around so easily, yet the definition of what slander is says so much…
1. the action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person’s reputation. “he is suing the TV network for slander”
1. make false and damaging statements about (someone).
In case the abusive types missed it, slander involves ‘false’ statements. Proof is also known as evidence, and it’s used to put people behind bars or hold them accountable for their actions. It’s no wonder these types of people are so afraid of victims speaking out. It’s no wonder that everything in the book is used to silence.
So tonight, while part of me really wants to be blogging about a completely separate topic, this was the one I chose. Because I’m finally understanding what being silenced means, and that when I’m silenced, it’s because I’ve chosen to be. I’ve chosen to give in to threats.
Such an easy thing to remedy.
image by Charlie Balch on freeimages.com