Today was the writers meetup at my house. My hubby is quite good at coming up with prompts that we randomly draw from bags, then use during our writing sprints. My three words were a deity, a cheap condom, and a sex toy store. Since there’s no way I couldn’t be dirty with this, I decided to have some extra bizarre fun. I’m sharing for a laugh, not because this is some piece I’ve slaved away on. I hope you enjoy!
I hesitated before entering the sex toy store. I wasn’t sure that anyone had ever officially returned a condom, but this one had failed most miserably. I shook my head just thinking about the disaster that had befallen me because of this cheap thing. No matter how embarrassing this was going to be, I was going to have to do something.
I took a deep breath and shoved the door open. The little bells jingled upon my entry and everyone within a twenty-foot radius looked up at me.
I felt my cheeks flush red and I smiled sheepishly.
“May I help you?” the woman behind the counter asked.
“Well,” I hesitated as I approached the counter, “yes…”
“How may I help?”
“You see,” I pulled out a ziplock bag with the used and completely demolished Red Devil condom, “I bought this here yesterday and…”
Before I could continue, the woman gasped and backed away from me. “You can’t bring that in here! That looks used!” she shouted, eyes opened wide.
I grimaced. “Well, you’re false advertising. This didn’t protect my partner and I at all. As you can see.” I shoved it toward her face so she could take a closer look.
At least I’d rinsed it off.
“I’m calling the cops,” she announced.
“Good! Do so. You are advertising that this is unbreakable, and well… as you can see, it’s not.”
“But it’s made from super industrial materials. You must have done something wrong.”
The woman was persistent, and though she no longer seemed intimidated by the used and demolished condom in her face, she also didn’t seem to want to admit that she owed me a refund.
“All I did was have sex,” I said.
“With what? A cheese grater?”
I glared at her.
“No. My boyfriend is just… sorta strong.”
“Strong?” she laughed her word.
“Yes,” I said. “You see, he’s a deity.”
The woman broke into deep laughter now. “Well, there’s your problem…” she spoke in a sarcastic tone. “You purchased the Red Devil brand. Those don’t work on Gods.”
She was laughing at my expense. Little did she know that my boyfriend was an actual God. The God of Lust. A God that also liked to consume his ladies after fucking their brains out.
I was the only one that he’d not consumed yet. It was my freckles. He was a fan of them.
The woman continued to mock me. Rolling her eyes and speaking under her breath to the customer on my left.
“Are you going to give me a refund or not?” I slammed the condom on the counter.
“The answer to that is hell fucking no. You’re disgusting and stupid if you think I’m going to refund your used condom.” The smug woman leaned into counter behind her, keeping her arms firmly crossed.
I shook my head and gathered the Red Devil.
“Aright,” I said, “but my boyfriend isn’t going to be happy. If there’s one thing he hates, it’s false advertising.”
The woman laughed again.
I was almost to the door when the woman’s smugness finally got to me. I spun around and looked straight into the store clerk’s eyes as I pulled out my cell phone. I scrolled to my boyfriend’s number and hit send.
“What’s wrong, baby cakes?” His deep voice made me tremble.
“This woman won’t give me a refund.”
“Did you tell her how I feel about false advertising?”
“And did you tell her I’m the God of Lust that consumes his girls?”
“I did. She’s currently making fun of me.”
“Well then, sounds like I’m going out tonight.”
I giggled. “Thanks, hun.”
I hung up and smiled wide. The woman behind the counter looked suddenly worried. I waved as I exited the store.
The next morning I watched a news briefing on a missing woman. She’d disappeared the night before after closing up her sex store.
I giggled again.
As the camera panned out, the front of the store came into view. The words ‘don’t mess with the God of lust or his girl’ were written in broken Red Devil condoms taped to the store window. The perplexed officers shook their heads as they spoke of the bizarre mystery and wondered if it had anything to do with the woman’s disappearance.
I grinned, and cupped my hands around my coffee.
My hunny loves me.
*image by Jason Antony*