Acceptance. The word means many things depending on where you’re at in life. It might mean accepting that you’ve failed at something and it’s time to move on. Or maybe it means you’re accepting an aspect of your life that you cannot change. But for me—right now—it means embracing the needs I’m not happy about. While this is a post about some very kinky things, I feel accepting who we are fully is something we can all benefit from. No matter how kinky or completely and utterly vanilla we are.
Where do I begin?
This is a complex and thorny topic for me. Not the kink side, but the admitting what I need side. Because I’ve known for some time what I need to reach my next level of healing, but I’ve been fighting it.
I’ve fought it for two reasons. One, I still carried judgment around it. And two, I hate neediness and clinginess, and this new area of growth requires me to be both needy and clingy.
This area I’ve needed to embrace is both incredibly delicious and shameful. Granted, a lot of people don’t feel ashamed over it. And if someone asked me about if they should accept this side of themselves, I’d confidently suggest folks embrace it to the fullest extent.
But I’ve had abuse. Sometimes sexual abuse at the hands of family. Which is why needing a Daddy has been so excruciatingly difficult to embrace.
Yes, I’m finally accepting that I need a Daddy more than in an occasional scene.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been Daddy’s princess before. I’ve called D lots of things, been called lots of things, many are humiliatingly delightful, and all that I’m completely comfortable with. I’m fine being the dirty, debased, kinky as hell fuck toy. While that would make some folks cringe, I have no issues with that whatsoever.
What I do struggle with is the clingy side of needing a Daddy. It’s that desire to curl up in D’s arms or at his feet, feeling completely protected and safe, feeling that he’ll hold me accountable and stop me from doing unhealthy things, but mostly being innocent with him. Completely trusting him with the most vulnerable side of me. Mostly, it’s needing to be taken care of that I struggle with.
I like being in control. Even when I’m with D and submitting, I like having a certain level of control. I’m okay with my body reacting in certain ways. I’m fine with doing what he tells me and find it incredibly hot to do so. But when it comes to letting him take care of me—as a Daddy type does—I hate it. I crave it and love it, but hate it too. I hate it because I can’t control the parts of my body that I’ve thus far been able to control.
When I’m Daddy’s princess fully, I need D in ways that make me feel needy in all the wrong ways. But it’s still what I need. Need need need… Just this paragraph shows me why I dislike that word. But only when it becomes a word that describes a bad habit.
I don’t like neediness because too often I find people with the ‘needy’ label depend on others for things they can and should be doing themselves. Kids need parents to care for them because, until a certain age, they can’t. They have to depend on their caregivers. But some people never grow out of that. They stay dependent on others and never achieve anything.
This is a huge pet peeve of mine. I don’t like those types of people. So it’s ironic that the thing I need most right now is Daddy. I need to depend on him and rely on him, ask for his help and ask permission for things that I know might get me into trouble otherwise. And this is hard, even with my deep desire to submit to him.
It’s hard because I’ve never been able to rely on anyone in the way I need to rely on Daddy now. I can rely on people, sure, but to this extent? Not so much…
This isn’t to say I’m asking him to dictate every part of my day or night. Or really anything other than what we’ve been doing all along. The difference is in me. It’s in my response to him.
Last week I told D what I needed. I asked for it—begged really—and he cares enough to give that to me. He’s been calling me princess often and urging me to embrace this side of me. And I even know that I don’t have to stay in this place. This is what I need for now in order to heal some aspects of myself. Yet it’s still difficult.
Part of why I’m sharing this, despite how difficult it is for me to admit (especially in such a public forum), is because something magical happened the moment I begged him for what I needed.
The next time he dropped me, I felt things I’ve not felt before in a physical manner. This might sound strange since so many people are used to feeling the physical most of the time, but I’d been shutting my body down. This is part of why I love Tantra so much. So much of that is energy and in the mind. But physical touch and arousal and desire, that’s still a struggle. I and my partner at the time have to work at it. Even if I’m not feeling triggered, it’s still a struggle.
Daddy awoke something in me that I don’t want to shut off again. It’s scary, because it means relying on him. And I think that’s the key. Trust isn’t the same for me as relying on someone. Trust is something people can earn, but I’ve not relied on anyone fully since I was about five years old. I’ve wanted to, but I always got hurt. So I stopped. I only rely on people to an extent, then no more.
Now, I’m relying on Daddy to take care of me in some very specific ways. And while it’s not the same as a child relying on their parent to care for them, it’s similar enough. I need compassion, but also guidance, reprimand, safety, protection, fun, and these things can also be made hot.
Opening to him so fully is terrifying, but also so hot that even writing this I’m aching for him. I remember the many orgasms I had earlier and how hard I came. I’m thinking of his cum on my face. Of the pain in my nipples. And all of it was so much stronger because it all happened with me completely embracing that I’m Daddy’s princess. I’m safe, protected, loved, corrected, encouraged, and so much more.
He’s making it safe for me not to shut down the more physically sexual parts of me. Which is making every orgasm that much stronger. That more powerful.
I’ve accepted this all. I’ve embraced this side of me. I’m not ashamed that I need to be Daddy’s princess fully. I’m not ashamed that this is what I need to work through some very hard aspects of my life. I need to rely on him to get through this.
So I am.
And now I’ve posted this for all of these people. Some that know me and lots that don’t. And while part of me is embarrassed to admit how much I’ve needed this, I also know a lot of people with Daddy issues. On both sides of D/s and in completely vanilla (or at least mostly vanilla) folks. I’m so thankful I have the kinds of relationships that allow me to experience what I need. I’d not be where I am without all the love in my life.
I chose the image of Tiger’s Eye tonight because not only is it a heart, but the stone stands for safety, protection, security, confidence in self, and is known for its grounding qualities. I felt it a good symbol of the things I am embracing.
*image by Irum Shahid on freeimages.com*