As I sit here thinking about what I want to write tonight, my mind is jumping all over the place. Part of me wants to talk about how I’ve really enjoyed writing this last batch of fetish articles I’ve submitted, and part of me wants to talk about how I love being an unspeakably dirty whore—that yes, wants to model for some pinup images now—and there’s the part of me that wants to share about how I have had the strangest days of vulnerability and how they’ve led to wonderful healing and connections to others… Yet it is in this moment when all I keep circling back to is trust.
Trust is this weird thing for me. I always think I’m trusting someone, just to find out I’m not. I suppose I get tired of being let down. And I fill myself with concern that it will happen again—because it always does.
Or used to.
I don’t think I will be let down. Not now. And a lot of that is because of me. I understand we are all human and there is a vast difference between someone letting me down because they did a human thing and made a mistake, and someone letting me down because they betrayed me.
I’ve been feeling the urge to watch The General’s Daughter lately. Strongly. Because that movie changed me. There is a specific line in it that took all the chaos I had around betrayal and put it into one neat little package.
For those of you who don’t know the movie, the General’s daughter gets murdered. During the investigation, it comes out that she’s deeply into BDSM and fucking with people’s minds. And the man (John Travolta) that’s investigating asks her therapist what could’ve happened that was so horrible that it caused her to spiral downward like she did in her youth, what had caused her to want to fuck with peoples’ heads. The therapist shrugs and John starts guessing.
With each guess, the therapist says, “Worse.” Until finally, John gets to rape, thinking he’s got it. Because what’s worse than rape? Right?
Until the therapist says… “Worse.”
It takes John until the end to figure out what’s worse than rape, and he finally comes to betrayal.
Betrayal is worse than rape. It cuts far deeper. At least for me. Rape I can chalk up to ‘in the moment urges’ while betrayal is premeditated. It’s about something much more than an urge. It’s this betrayal that makes trusting so damn hard.
But I’m doing it.
I’m speaking up and saying, “I’m scared.” Then I’m trusting.
This is hardest when it comes to sexual acts.
The beauty of these recent days is that I am trusting anyway. I’m pushing past this feeling that I’ll be betrayed (and boy, the nightmares are bad), and I’m embracing this deeper level of trust.
Tonight, I’m trusting more deeply than I ever have before. I know some of it is the embracing the princess side of me because that means trusting and relying on D in ways that my instincts tell me to flinch away from. But I’m not flinching. I’m not running. I’m talking about my fear and pushing through it. And it’s so scary. I want to share just how scary it is, but I’m not even sure I can put it into words.
I’m also trusting myself. Something I don’t do a lot even though I should. I tend to question myself and assume someone else knows better than I do, but this isn’t always the case. Some, yes, but I still know a lot. I’ve been through a lot. So trusting myself is this amazing thing I’m getting to take part in. And it’s making a difference.
It’s hard to trust when you’ve been let down so much. It’s also hard to trust yourself when people lie to you or try to control you in nonconsensual ways. But trust is something we work at. It’s not just given. If we don’t earn it, then it’s of no value. And the people in my life have earned my trust. And I’d like to think I’ve earned theirs.
Part of my reason for writing about this tonight is that I thought (in my last post) that I was trusting people, but not relying on them. I’ve since come to understand that if I can’t rely on them, then I don’t really trust them. And I desperately want to trust them. Especially the ones who have shown me again and again that I can trust and rely on them. They deserve my trust and I deserve to be able to trust.
So tonight, I trust. Yesterday I trusted. I’ve been trusting.
Tonight I got an extra special gift from D. It’s nothing I haven’t had before, but I haven’t had it with conscious awareness of my body. I didn’t shut down. The more I trust, the deeper I submit and the more I feel things. And tonight was so wonderful that I cried. First during my special gift of coming (because it helps me heal), then after, because I was so grateful and thankful for the gift.
It’s a gift that many might take for granted, but not me. This meant a great deal to me. I also know I’m being very vague here, and for now, I need that. For me. I’m public with most things, but this very specific healing I’m not ready to share still. It’s hard enough as it is to let go and trust so completely. But I’m certain I’ll share eventually.
For now, I’m just so grateful.
*image by Paul Fris on freeimages.com*