Today is my birthday.
Normally, I don’t say much about it. I don’t remind people. Most of my life I’ve hated my birthday. Something bad always happens around it. Sometimes it’s small things, like family and friends being assholes. Other times it’s layoffs or sudden moves, resulting in no money to celebrate my special day. And in worst case scenarios, I’ve lost people. In fact, it was this time last year that I almost lost my husband in a car accident. My birthday has never been associated with happy times of joyous celebration. But this year is different.
Maybe it’s that for so many things, I have no fucks to give. My fucks are reserved for the big things that matter. For the people in my life that mean the world to me. I reserve no fucks for assholes or panic attacks over things that won’t matter in a couple weeks from now. Maybe even days from now. This is a big change for me, and now that I’ve gone over a year reserving my fucks for things that matter, I see a difference in how I feel on this day of my birth. In the past, I wasted far too much energy on things that are irrelevant and not worth my time.
Another reason why this day has always been hard for me is because for most of my life I wished I’d never been born. There, I said. I use to wish I’d never been born.
This is no longer the case and hasn’t been for a while now. But it’s still in this last year that I’ve finally found joy in life. I look forward to getting out of bed because I’m excited for what the day will bring. And for today, I woke with a smile. Even though I had to work all day, run errands, help with homework, do research and all the other adulting things one does. I didn’t see those things as I went throughout my day. Instead, I felt the peace inside me. The sheer giddiness at being alive and full of love.
Yes, this birthday has been different.
In fact, this feels like the first real birthday I’ve had.
People have thrown parties for me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful that they love/loved me enough to do so. And I had fun at those parties. But having fun at a party being thrown for you isn’t the same as being full of joy because you’re celebrating your life for the first time.
Today, I celebrated my life.
There are many things I look forward to in my life now. My therapist told me the most amazing thing yesterday that’s plunged me forward into doing something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Though this time, I know I can do it. I have no doubts in myself.
I’m so excited for my future and each day as it comes. Each day feels like a new opportunity to thrive.
There are many components to my birthday and gifts that will be spanning the next several days (maybe weeks if the hubby has a say in that) and I hope this level of joy and excitement continues throughout.
I’m alive. It’s my birthday. And I’m so thankful that I never gave up or gave in to those horrible suicidal thoughts that used to haunt me. I look forward to celebrating many more birthdays to come and each day between them as well.
I’m such a lucky birthday girl. I have a wonderful life with people that make my heart melt with their kindness and generosity, feeding me more joy day in and day out. I’m so thankful for the life I have.
*image by annelie tilly on freeimages.com*