Staying In My Power

girl-1230480_1920For about a year now, I’ve needed to be Daddy’s princess. Getting to that point took a long time. I had so much self-judgment around what I needed and wanted because all I’d ever heard about Daddy/princess dynamics were that they were full of incestuous desires. Even though I knew that to be utter bullshit, I still had hangups around it that I had to sort through. Once I finally embraced what I needed and asked to be Daddy’s princess, I got what I wanted and needed. And it was one of the most healing and rewarding experiences thus far. It gave me the safety I needed to allow the frightened child inside me to emerge for healing, it gave me the feeling of being protected, it gave me the accountability I desperately needed too… Being Daddy’s princess allowed me to reach where I reached last night, and for that, I will always have a great appreciation for the experience and energy that went into that dynamic.

Last night, however, I moved out of Daddy/princess space. I knew this was coming, I’ve felt it building since summer. But I wasn’t ready to let go yet. Letting go felt like growing up, and what that meant for me was making no more excuses as to why I hadn’t reached a goal. Or why I hadn’t even tried to reach a goal.

A bit ago, D and I had a long talk about this. I told him I didn’t want to make excuses anymore and I was full of them. I had too much anxiety, so couldn’t do x. Or I had issues with my digestive tract so I couldn’t accomplish y. I had too much PTSD, so I couldn’t possibly consider z, because I’d be constantly triggered.

D knew what I was and am capable of. He knew that despite my asking for accountability, what I really needed was to come to these understandings on my own. So he helped. He pushed me forward where it was safe to do so. And I grew.

At times, it’s been harsh. When I’d start to make an excuse and hear, “I don’t give a fuck, do it,” it cut deeply. But not because he really didn’t give a fuck. The exact opposite was true. He cared so much that he told me the exact thing I’d asked him to tell me when he heard me making excuses. And that’s why I grew. But it’s also why it cut deeply. It was like hearing myself speaking to myself, telling myself to get with the program… to be me fully.

D told me the things that I wanted and needed to hear in order to help me move into a place of agency. Of action. Of power.

Not to say I haven’t had those things, because I have. But I’ve had them with him behind me, pushing me forward. What I really wanted was to have these things on my own, without me needing the push.

Yesterday was a catalyst for me taking the last step toward me standing in my power. Rather than needing D to stand behind me and push me forward, I pushed myself forward. Basically, I had gone into a place of darkness and as usual, I reached out to him. But before he got the chance to respond, I sent a second message telling him never mind. That I was going to take a nap and have self-care until the feeling went away.

And I did.

I worked through it on my own.

So when we spoke, I didn’t need him to dig me out of the darkness. I’d done it myself for the first time. This meant that I was open when we talked. Not shut down or spinning. But completely open and receptive.

For those that have experienced submission, when you are completely open and receptive, it makes for the strongest energy play. For strong fucking orgasms. Even for Doms/Dommes, but in a different way. So when we spoke, this is the place I was in.

He began speaking about a conversation he’d had with another girl earlier and I instantly started squirming. I have always experienced compersion, so hearing about any situation regarding someone else and one of my partners is fucking hot for me. Sooo hot… Since I was so open, I felt his conversation with her. I wanted to hear more. I felt a fire growing inside me that wasn’t like the fire I’d felt before.

This was far more powerful.

I knew instantly what it was. I was embracing myself fully. The power in me in a way I hadn’t before.

I told him what was happening in my body. So he said things to me that made me burn hotter. I was so receptive to even his breath. Each word, each sound coming out of him, I felt. And I admitted that I didn’t want to call him Daddy in that space.

He asked what I wanted to call him, and I answered. I told him who I was too.

He accepted me.

I won’t share those honorifics without permission, but I will say that we had the most powerful and intense sex we could’ve had. And it was because we were BOTH in our place of power.

I’m used to him being in his place of power, but when I was there too, well… there’s just no comparing that feeling to what I’ve had prior.

Years ago D told me that even though I was submitting deeper than most subs he knew, he kept telling me that it would only get more powerful. More intense… I had difficulty understanding how that could be, but he’s been right all along. Each time I have one of these ‘big growth’ periods I end up with a far better understanding of what he meant.

Last night I realized that I’m not a sub. I’m his sub, but I’m not submissive. I’ve known I was a Domme for a long time, but I also thought I was a submissive too.

I was wrong.

Being his sub doesn’t make me submissive. And that changes things.

Last night I grew up. Which sounds strange since I’m far more of an adult that a helluva lot of people. But still, I wasn’t ready to fully embrace myself. I didn’t want to own that I’m the reason for my life being how it is, for both the good and bad. For the bad in my life, it was because of PTSD, anxiety, trauma, fear, and on and on… For the good stuff, I was merely lucky.

The truth is, I’m responsible for all of my life.

There is a lot more to all of this but some will go on my political blog. I’ve seen a lot of my erotica and nonfiction sex writing friends pull back out of fear. It’s made many of us sad because with everything going on, this is the exact wrong time for this to happen. We need to stay in our power and serve as an example. We need to show the world that we’re proud of who we are, whether as authors, people living the lifestyle, or around another area of our sexuality.

We need to be in our place of power for ourselves and others.

Which is why I knew this was coming for me. I know what I need to do. I know how I’m going to do it. I won’t back down. I won’t be shamed or threatened into silence.

So today, I became.

Last night, I was given a bunch of lines and was asked what was the most powerful. They started with, “I am… x, I am y, I am this and that and this and that,” but when he asked me what was most powerful, all I could answer was, “I AM.”

Having intense orgasms is something I’ve grown to love. Last night blew me away.

Being in our power is the only way to BE.

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About authorsienna

Author * Speaker * Blogger on sex, erotica, LGBTQ, BDSM, Dominance, submission, consent, and polyamory. Authors tales of dark desires and hidden fantasies.
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