Shattered Illusions and Falling Towers


There’s something to be said for letting go of lies and illusions and walking in my power. The lies and illusions I refer to are the ones that kept me in the darkness. They were designed to keep me in a place of weakness and put in place by me. It was a self-defense mechanism. Something to keep me safe. When I wasn’t facing that I’m responsible for my life, I needed someone to blame. Someone(s) to blame. Something to blame…

This isn’t to say I haven’t been hurt, but there was only so far being a victim could take me. What happened to me isn’t an excuse for me not to live my life to the fullest and in my place of power and joy. My life is my choice.

I chose and choose joy.

And I couldn’t have done it at a better time.

With all that’s going on, I need to be in this place of truth. Accepting ‘what is’ has been one of the most powerful things I’ve done. I had no idea how much this would make a difference in my life.

Life isn’t about judgment. It’s about living with integrity, in the present, in the moment, with love and joy every day.

This shift makes the impossible, possible.

So many things that filled me with stress and anxiety don’t bother me now.

I’m also soooo open I can’t believe it. I’ve never felt so alive. And it’s taken years of work to get here, but I’m here!

It’s not just taken work on my part either. My husband has put up with a great deal to help me get where I am. And D… holy hell, where do I even begin?

Witnessing pain in others—to me—is the greatest form of love and kindness. Most people don’t want to see others pain, let alone deal and work with it on a regular basis. But that’s what I needed to heal. I needed someone that wouldn’t judge me, wouldn’t expect me to just ‘get over it’, that would be patient and kind, but also firm. I needed someone like D to witness my pain.

There are still times when I feel badly for allowing him to see so much in me. It couldn’t have been easy seeing that much pain. And I think the closer we get to people and more deeply we care, the harder it is to witness their pain.

But D hasn’t waivered. He’s stayed consistent and strong. Even when my pain caused him pain. He’s done it for others as well. Again and again.

Because of his willingness to witness my pain, I have a better life.

There was a time—and I remember it clearly—where I thought, I’m not sure I want to get better.

Getting better meant taking responsibility for myself and my actions. For many people, including me, this was scary. Terrifying. Because I had a lot of shit shoved into my head and I had to tear down my foundation and rebuild from the ground up.

Too many people never even get to the tearing down stage. They start feeling the holes in their tower of lies and they get scared and quickly fill the holes with putty in an attempt to feel safety again.

But this doesn’t help us heal. It’s a tower made of putty. It’s weak and unstable and every time the slightest breeze blows, it’s a reminder that the tower is full of holes.

We can’t fix these holes with putty.

The only way to heal is to do what I did and tear it all down. It meant letting go of my pride, but hey, that kind of pride doesn’t help me anyway.

I feel like the putty people are just ‘treating the symptom’ while tearing it all down and rebuilding—while clearly much more work—is healing the source of the problem.

This has been on my mind a lot as I watch some of the people in my life tear down their illusions of how they thought things were in our country. I know this journey and how hard it is. But they’re doing it. Because as I pointed out in my last post, these people are brave.

I’m also seeing others cling to old beliefs and desperately fill their holes with putty. They don’t see how they’re creating a tower about to tumble.

At some point, the tower will fall. And we all have to clean up our mess.

I’m sad for those types that are too afraid to tear it down and start again. It’s really the only way to thrive. And no matter how hard they try to stop it, or how fast they fill the ever crumbling tower with putty, it will still fall.

When we live in illusion, we have no chance at life.

Living a life full of lies means the players in the great game of existence become confusing and the board chaotic as everyone that those lies are built around shatters the illusions with truth.

We can’t stop the inevitable. This I now know. We can hold on tightly and desperately to our fake reality and slowly suffer as it comes crashing down, or we can take a leap into the abyss of the unknown, with those willing to help us at our sides, hands outstretched and hearts full of love.

I suspect that in these coming years, we will be leaning on one another a great deal. I will continue to stay in my power and witness others pain, just as D did to me.

Denial is the killer of the soul. I will witness others pain. I will not turn away from those suffering right now. No matter where they live in the world. No matter the color of their skin or the deity they follow.

I’ve walked this path before but without my own power in place. So I couldn’t do what really needed doing. But all of that has changed now. I will witness others pain from my place of power and that will change everything.

Not being in denial means my soul is bright and glowing. I feel it moving from the inside outward. This lovely, growing love that knows no limits.

This is a wonderful feeling.


About authorsienna

Author * Speaker * Blogger on sex, erotica, LGBTQ, BDSM, Dominance, submission, consent, and polyamory. Authors tales of dark desires and hidden fantasies.
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