Everyday my body’s response to triggering stimulus changes. I was triggered today, yet my body’s reactions were so minor compared to past triggerings. In fact, I thought I wasn’t triggered at first. My only clue was that I couldn’t obey an order from D today (okay, a couple) and that was my tipoff that I was actually triggered. But this feels so different.
My body is slightly shut down. Not completely though. And while I’m sad and feeling like I just want to sleep, I’m not running down the pathway of ‘I must now kill myself’.
I haven’t even been in that ‘must off myself’ place in a while either. I’ve been doing pretty well.
I’m still enjoying yoga. I find the combination of that and dancing very healing and good for my muscles.
I’m also finding my submission deeper than ever. I finally understand what it means to fully let go. The trust and pleasure that comes with that isn’t anything I could have ever imagined.
Even with so much goodness, though, I still hit a snag today. I thought it was one thing, then another, and while those things did bother/upset me, it was really my brain jumping to potentially meeting someone that went through the same sexual abuse I did that triggered me.
I don’t know what this person’s experience is yet, but my brain panicked when I realized we had similar enough experiences. I’m always worried about running into one of the girls that was in the attic with me. And I don’t even know why. What’s the big deal? We could maybe talk and heal… Why the panic?
But it’s because I’m talking. And it’s also humiliating to think that one of them may remember something I took part in. Like they know my dirty little secret.
Except I’d know theirs too.
So I don’t fully understand why this bothered me so much. I’ve already met others that have the same memories as I do. They went through the same training process and had the same expectations put upon them. Yet this bothered me today.
Since nothing else is really working to get through this trigger, I decided to write about it since it always seems to help.
Triggering is something that people with PTSD can’t control. I can face things that trigger me until they no longer do. I could take meds or get other types of treatment to mellow out the symptoms. I can talk and work through my triggers when they pop up and send me down a path based on reaction as opposed to action. But they will still happen.
The difference now is that I’m so used to being present and in the moment that when my body is trying to live in the past, it’s like a fight inside me. A conscious one though, and that gives me power over it.
So today, I dealt with being triggered.
Tomorrow will be better (today actually, since it’s past midnight!). I will do what needs doing. I will find joy in yoga, in being me to my fullest, in living in the moment, in my ability to be obedient to D, and all of the other things that will occupy my day. Only it will feel different because I’m in a different place in my healing.
I’m sharing this song above because right now I feel like a stranger to my body’s new responses. In the video, there are several people looking lost. Until everything slows, and the rains come, and suddenly they’re present, standing in the rain. I used to talk about what it meant to be awake but I’ve never understood it in the way I do now.
To be awake is to be just as self-aware as I am aware of what’s going on around me. It’s to live in such a present moment that all exists in harmony, even when I’m in the middle of a storm.
This isn’t easy to explain, but if you’ve ever stood in the rain—head back, eyes closed—just letting the rain hit your skin, you might understand. When you’re present, you feel every drop as it hits your skin. The impact, the damp, the cold or warm, the speed of the drops…
In the V for Vendetta film, Evey runs out into the rain and yells that God is in the rain. This line always meant so much to me, though not in a religious sense. To me, it meant freedom. It meant embracing who we are fully, letting go of fear, and being.
While I may still be slightly triggered, I will feel the raindrops on my skin, feel their lovely ability to pull me present, and I will know that I am in the now.
This new place is only a new place this first time. Next time I will understand what’s happening in my body and I will have even more tools for dealing.
That’s all I have energy for tonight. This has been a very long day and I really need to get some sleep. But I needed to get this out first because I know it will help.