Know Thyself


Today was a massively productive day. Which is bizarre considering my youngest was puking for most of it and I’ve been caring for him, and that I’ve had somewhat of an emo—though in a good way—day. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. The things I’m choosing to do regarding my physical and emotional health are hard work. So having an emotional day isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it’s good because it means I’m understanding things about myself, my habits, and my connections to others that I’ve not until now.

Most of what I processed today wasn’t fun, despite being necessary. Coming to understand things about ourselves can be so fucking difficult. For me it is anyway. Especially when I have firmly in my head that something is one way and I later discover that it’s really complex and multifaceted. In some cases, the opposite of what I thought.

Know thyself. This is an important thing to do. I remember watching The Matrix for the first time and having that pointed out and thinking, this is important, but I don’t know why.

Now I do.

Humans are complex. Knowing who we are seems both complicated and simple as simple can be. In some ways, I know through and through who I am. I’m confident. Sure of myself. Then there are areas where I still don’t know. And there are the areas where I think I know and find out I’ve really been in denial. Knowing who we are isn’t easy when it comes to the things we lie to ourselves about.

But lying to ourselves means two very important things:

One, it means that we will never know who we are. And if we don’t know who we are, we can’t really love ourselves. To love who we are we must first embrace who we are, free of judgment, and accept even the things about ourselves that we may not like. Lying to ourselves only creates internal conflict that cannot be resolved.

Second, it means that we won’t grow. When we lie to ourselves, then we don’t own the things about ourselves that need improvement. And this leads directly to the blame game. People that blame don’t grow. They don’t have a chance to live healthily and thrive because they’re so busy pointing the finger at someone else that they forget there are three pointing back at them.

Lying to ourselves doesn’t serve us as humans. Yet we do it all the time whether with conscious awareness and intent or not.

My day today was about getting to know myself. I suspect because I was taking care of a sick child and because I was reflecting on the dreams I had all night last night, I was more open to seeing some things that have been hard to accept. Because when I’m fully focused on caring for someone else, somehow it becomes easier to see myself clearer.

I’m not really sure why that is, but this isn’t the first time that I’ve been very intently focused on taking care of someone and suddenly, I’m able to see things I’ve been avoiding seeing.

Avoidance doesn’t help anyone.

I’m glad this has been a productive and thought-filled day. I’m glad that I’m seeing these things that are bothering me—more filling me with equal amounts of rage and sadness—because now I can find ways to work on or through them.

And the rage, while uncomfortable to feel, is really beneficial.

I’m really not sure how it is that I got so much done today even with taking care of the kiddo and feeling and thinking and processing. But maybe it’s because I’m present. These things I was feeling weren’t pulling me into the past. They are things that I’m feeling and dealing with in the now, even if they may have stemmed from the past.

I think being present allowed me to do what needing doing today, including processing all of this, while also getting other work done. Maybe this will be my new norm. It’s hard to say. All I know is that in the past, if I were to be feeling and processing all the things I did today, I’d not have gotten anything done and I’d have ended up a ball of stress unable to eat anything by the end of the day.

Instead, I’ve eaten well. I’ve even napped with the kiddo. I’ve gotten all of these things sorted in my head. AND I got a lot of writing related, org related, and school related stuff completed today.

The more I know myself and accept myself, the happier and healthier I will continue to be. I keep reaching this point where I don’t think my life can get any better—aside from winning the lotto (just sayin…)—then it goes and gets even better. And it gets better because the moment I realize I’ve not been honest with myself or that I’ve seen something about myself that I didn’t before, I fucking change it. Right there. Right in that moment. It may take me practice to maintain that change, but it’s implemented instantly. This is what letting go of my stubbornness and pride has meant for me.

More happiness and more joy.

Off to bed now as I have truly had this crazily busy productive day. But I had to get this out because this is the first time when feeling this much and processing this much hasn’t prevented me from getting the things done that needed doing. In essence, it didn’t shut me down. And that is amazing.


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Author * Speaker * Blogger on sex, erotica, LGBTQ, BDSM, Dominance, submission, consent, and polyamory. Authors tales of dark desires and hidden fantasies.
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