This has been a rough week. I had intense oral surgery that left a gaping hole in my sinus cavity (okay, it’s probably quite small, but it certainly doesn’t feel that way) and it’s taking twice as long to heal because of the complexity. So I’ve been on painkillers and antibiotics and been trying to rest as per the surgeon’s instructions, and that’s been hard. I have a lot to do right now and don’t have time for this level of slow healing. Yet it’s what’s necessary. So I’m dealing, but it’s frustrating.
I also had an interesting time in therapy yesterday. It seems I’ve had a habit of attaching myself to people with high anxiety in the past and it’s been a huge problem. I (as well as my therapist) have seen this habit shift in these last couple of years and when someone has high anxiety combined with some other personality disorder or issue, I’m recognizing it faster and quickly making my exit. But unfolding why I’ve allowed these people into my life to begin with wasn’t an easy thing to talk about.
As I said above, it’s been a rough week.
Then a box of chocolates arrived in my mailbox filled with my two favorite flavors. I didn’t know these were coming. They were a surprise and completely brightened my day.
I also got to watch magic happening for a young couple today. That was amazing. I’m seeing this level of self-awareness amongst young people that is so refreshing. They get who they are. They’re willing to fight to be who they are. They aren’t full of the sexual shaming that so many adults I know are. It’s wonderful to see. I have hope for the youth.
I’ve also been watching the Prison Break series while I’m resting and as I was watching, I began to see something happening in the series. The main character—Michael—starts off on this small journey. His plan is to break his innocent brother out of jail before he’s put to death. He succeeds, but in doing so, opens a whole can of worms he didn’t know was there.
I’ve just started season four (yes, I speed watch) and he’s no longer the man that simply broke his brother out of prison. He’s gained knowledge running from very bad people. He’s learned new skills. He’s learned to fight in different ways. He knows now that ALL is possible, that he can achieve what others deem impossible. And it reminded me of my journey.
I didn’t want to be an expert on sexual topics. I didn’t want to have to be an expert on consent. I wanted to be the fun, young adult sci-fi writer… But here I am, putting everything in my life into this vast collection of information on sexuality, healing, trauma, consent, and so much more. What I do helps people. It matters.
But I didn’t set out to become an expert. This is where my life took me. I can and have achieved things others deemed impossible.
And this is a great place to be.
I know that while I already feel so far on my journey, there is still so much more ahead too. I will keep learning new things. I will expand my knowledge and reach. I will do so many wonderful things and they will add to all I’ve already done.
So at the end of this day full of pain and frustration, what I’m left with is that I have amazing people in my life. I’m learning to listen to doctors and actually heal properly. And I’m an expert in areas I never thought I would be. But I am.
I’m good with this.