Every August, I start going through body memory of things that happened to me. My body aches, I grind my teeth (often breaking some), my jaw and head throb, and this unnerving fear kicks in. It consumes me, even when I know I’m perfectly safe. All of this can lead me down the road to depression and eventually, checking out.
Of course, life doesn’t always help either. I often find myself full of events during late summer, or in sudden need of a job, even the hubby’s car accident anniversary is approaching… So life adds to this feeling.
I really hoped by now that I’d be completely past this body memory/response. I’ve dealt with so much mentally and emotionally that this year has taken me by surprise. Usually, when I work through something, it doesn’t come up again. But this is different. Not only does it keep coming up, but the desires that go with the aches and depression haven’t gone away at all.
And my needs are hefty and intense this time of year.
D has some ideas about how I can prevent this from occurring next year, but for now, I’m still stuck reliving things I don’t want to relive. And not even at a conscious level. That part I have worked past.
While I’m still struggling, I have noticed this year is better. I’m not nearly as checked out as I have been in the past. Each year has offered me a little less pain and reliving of trauma. So while it’s still here, it is less.
Despite the troubling feelings, I’m still getting a lot done. I’ve got books coming out, both with my company and with others. I’m starting the second job that I’ve been so excited for this Thursday. I love my other job too. Org stuff is getting sorted. I’m doing well in so many areas. So it’s frustrating to me that I’m stuck in this one.
I don’t want to ache and hurt. I don’t want to be sad and depressed. Maybe it’s not even depression, I’m not sure. It’s been so many months since I’ve been in that deeply depressed state that I’m forgetting what it feels like. I’m used to being fully present and full of joy now. So maybe it’s depression. Maybe not. But it’s not present or joyful. That’s for sure.
I know I’ll bounce back because I always do. And this year, I have yoga, being present, and all the wonderful things going on in my life to help me.
Most of all, I have great people around me that support me, let me feel what I need to feel, and pull me up when I start to sink. I’m such a lucky girl.
It’s easy to look at my current struggle and be overwhelmed, to want to give up and give in to the icky feelings. But that’s the wrong choice. Because I know what joy feels like and that’s where I want to be.
I create my experiences. I color how I respond to the world around me. And even when I’m struggling with painful body memory, I still choose how I go about releasing it. Right now, that just so happens to be by coming like a little whore for D.
I worked out a lot today. Much through orgasm, as it’s a great way to release. So I will keep creating how I experience this ick because I can. I mean really… why wouldn’t I want to come and come and come anyway?
As tough as these last couple of weeks have been, I’m still in a much better place than I have been when these body memories appeared before. And that’s sweet, sweet progress.