I need to feel a lot of emotion tonight apparently. Emo days have been happening a lot lately for the reason I brought up in my last post… it’s the worst time of year for me. Tonight, as I’m thinking about difficult things and feeling things I’d rather not have to feel, I went to put on my favorite ‘go to’ for depression band. But that made things worse. I’m filled with so much sadness now. Way worse than before I put on music. Because my favorite ‘go to’ band for the last sixteen years has been Linkin Park.
While most songs I’ve been okay with since Chester Bennington committed suicide, songs I’d not heard before are coming up on my playlist now. Two specifically that hurt so much to hear tonight. The first, Leave Out All The Rest, the second, One More Light.
It might seem strange that someone I don’t even know is affecting me so much. But it feels sort of symbolic. This group—and Chester specifically—always brought me comfort when I was depressed. They gave me grounding and helped me feel like I wasn’t alone.
Their songs made my feelings less scary and isolating.
But he’s gone. He took his own life. He let his own light go out. And I’m sad and angry and yet still grateful for all he did with his words. Stranger’s deaths have affected me before, but it’s usually when that person was murdered. I’ve never had a stranger’s suicide hit me so hard before.
Since I didn’t know him and can listen to his music long past his death, this feeling of great loss is confusing. It feels like there’s some sort of crossover with my own life. Which is strange because, despite the depression and general disgust with much of our country, I’m not at a place where suicide is an option. It’s not a thought. So the crossover isn’t related to his taking his own life.
I don’t understand where this feeling of crossover is coming from.
I keep going through these deep bouts of depression that are debilitating in the amount of pain caused, but it’s not lasting. Maybe because I’m not suppressing my emotions. I’m letting them out. And that isn’t what used to happen.
Suppressing my emotions so I didn’t have to feel them used to lead to numbness. My whole body would shut down. It’s not now.
Granted, there have been times recently when I desperately wanted to be numb. Because… fuck… things hurt a lot sometimes. But it’s just sometimes. Not all the time.
There is a lot going on right now. Not just in my personal life, but in the world. Massive storms, Nazis, people full of rage… And it’s really bringing me down too. I don’t know how to feel about all of it. I don’t want to hate. I don’t want to take part in things that make me compromise my core beliefs. Yet the things transpiring are calling for a level of response that is hard for me.
I don’t know what to think of all of this. Of my emotions, the state of the world, of Chester and why there’s a feeling of crossover…
In fact, I keep rewriting the end of this. I can’t say what I want to and I’m not sure why. I can’t connect the dots. All I hear in my head is fuck, fuck, fuck… over and over and over and over and over.
But… no matter how much it hurts or how tired I get, I won’t be another light to go out.
I will feel. I will stay strong. Even when I’m not strong all the way through.