I’m a little wired right now. Despite today being one of the busiest days (weeks really) I’ve had all summer. I should be worn out and earlier tonight I even was, but much has happened since then. Things that helped me open myself to experiencing sex in a way I’ve not before. And it all started with a schoolgirl fantasy of being instructed by my Professor.
To back up a bit, I’ve had schoolgirl fantasies since I was very young. It’s kind of a thing… so much so that when a lot of my old gal pals wanted to spice things up, they’d go shopping for knee-high socks, a pleated skirt, and a very white blouse (that they’d often pop buttons off of for extra sexiness). And many of my male friends owned schoolgirl porn. This fantasy goes back to my early teen years but until recently, I’ve not acted it out.
I think part of the reason for my suppressing it was that I didn’t realize it could be so powerful. It also seemed far more playful than anything else I’d taken part in, and I really wasn’t interested in being playful. I wanted things hard and rough and intense. Silly me… I had no idea how all of these things could also play out while I was being Professor’s giggly, slutty, teenager.
Because that’s what I feel like when I embrace my schoolgirl side. A teen. A slutty teen.
I think I also held back because of all the fetishes, that one just seems so cliché. So naturally, I put judgment on it. I’m glad I’m learning to reserve my judging for things that actually need to be judged. Being a slutty teen isn’t one of those things. Especially since I’m a grown, enthusiastically consenting adult.
So the other day when I was deep in a place of giggly sluttiness, I embraced my deepest most desire to be Professor’s good little slut. It was hard at first to make the word Professor leave my lips. I had to work through some stored trauma first. But it passed quickly and eventually, I was able to beg, “Please make me come, Professor!”
I kept being told to say, “Thank you, Professor,” and each time I did, I had to fight so hard not to come. Not that coming without permission didn’t cross my mind. Because part of what’s so hot for me about being a slutty teen is that I like being naughty and being punished for my naughtiness. I find it so incredibly hot that it even just writing these words is turning me on.
Tonight, I allowed myself to feel this side of me even more. I could hardly wait to be Professor’s slutty teen. I was so giggly and excited that by the time I started talking to Professor and said the word, I was already gone. No brain. Deep in subspace enjoying myself. And the more I embraced this side of me–the more D encouraged me to–the more I felt this very innocent side of me emerging.
I wrote a while back about innocence. What I’d said then was, “Innocence is about our ability to embrace both the good and bad together, choosing to keep our hearts open, being ourselves fully, being present, and loving who we are. When we honor who we are, we maintain a level of innocence that no one can take from us. Being who we are means being vulnerable, and vulnerability carries innocence.” And in many ways, I’ve felt innocent and full of joy.
But when it comes to sex itself and my sexuality, innocent isn’t something I’ve felt. Because I haven’t been innocent sexually. So finding that feeling around my sexuality didn’t seem like something that would ever happen. Even when I consciously recognized that I wanted to explore sex like someone that had never taken part. I’m not talking about some sort of revirginizing ritual. No, no… What I’m talking about is feeling pleasure with innocence. Being able to explore my body and the things that feel good with innocence. I wanted a level of sexual innocence but to achieve that, I knew I had to be vulnerable. And I wasn’t ready yet.
But I am ready now. So tonight, when I cried out with each orgasm Professor rewarded me, I got to feel so young and innocent. So vulnerable and safe in my experiencing sex and pleasure. I got to be silly and stupid and innocent and crushy and come so fucking hard, so many times, that I had to nap afterward.
I loved every second of it.
I’m finally open sexually. I’m finally feeling safe, and therefore, vulnerable enough to explore my sexuality. I feel innocent, like I’m learning how to enjoy my body and others’ bodies all over again. But this time with enthusiastic consent and no fear.
The fear in me around sex is gone. All my judgment and self-shaming gone.
None of this would have come to light if it wasn’t for D truly seeing me and being supportive of my needs and deepest desires. It’s so important that we see one another and support one another. My desires and needs weren’t bad. They weren’t violating consent. Yet I felt ashamed to embrace this wonderful part of me that has now brought me so much joy. And most importantly, innocence with my sexuality that’s leading to the purest and hottest sex.
I love who I am.
I am a silly schoolgirl, a teenage slut.
I am grateful.