I started this out really wanting to bitch about how overwhelmed I am now that school has started, is overlapping with this intense state training I’ve been in, and my writing deadlines are adding up, but no matter how much I write, I have to delete it. Because while I’m busy and wishing I could just veg on the couch and watch movies all day tomorrow (partly because I’m catching the plague that’s been going around my house), I’m still excited about school. This is one step closer to me living my passion, and that feels amazing.
There is a part of me that is still focused on self-sabotage. So I have all of this self-doubt and bullshit reasoning to walk away and not attend school. But I’m not going to do that. I know I’d regret it. All I need is a little time to adjust and to get out of this state training so I can focus on school and my normal work.
One of my first assignments was to share my bio. The other students are in disbelief because I already seem successful. To have a career. And they’re right. Just not the whole career I want. I need a Masters degree to do what I really want to do.
I’m here by choice, not by force or mere chance.
In fact, I’m already working toward finding balance and reaching out for assistance where I need it. So this will all be great, even if I’m tired now. I have no doubt that if my training hadn’t come right before school starting, I’d not be so overwhelmed.
I’m very lucky. No, not lucky. I’ve earned the good things in my life by working hard. By not giving up. By not giving into my triggers and taking steps to overcome the things causing me trauma and pain.
Recently, I’ve worked through many things I didn’t really want to admit happened. They were humiliating in a manner that I was sure I’d never get over. But, I am. It just took me being vulnerable and honest about these humiliating things, then D’s smart planning to recontextualize what happened, but I’m moving past it.
And for my birthday, I got the most wonderful gift. Several, really. But some were far dearer to my heart because I was able to take part in super hot sexual activities that would have triggered me prior. Not only did I get to take part, but I did so with enthusiastic consent. I never felt anxiety or fear. Just raw and primal desire.
That was a first.
This is all good. It all means I’m so much further along my path of healing and being where I want to be. Of being free to express myself fully with nothing but joy.
The harder my steps get, the more rewarding they are.
So while I’m a little (maybe a lot) overwhelmed and nervous, I know I’ll find balance. Just like I have with everything else. I’ll find my firm footing and take the next steps. And when I’m feeling it too much, I’m going to remember my birthday fun. Just thinking about it makes me giggle and happy.
All my steps, all my hard work, my pushing myself to grow, it’s all showing results. Far more than I ever thought possible and I’m not even done yet.
So tonight, I’m going to be full of gratitude. For those that support me and give me the courage to keep pushing forward even when I want to run and hide. And I’m grateful for myself. For my ability to feel things that hurt in order to heal. Grateful for my bravery. Grateful for my willingness to love the woman I am and am still becoming.
I’m proud of myself. I know I can do this.