What is this life I’m living? Some days, I don’t recognize it. Living a life that is relatively stress-free (even when I have very stressful tasks to complete) isn’t something I thought possible. But I’ve shifted how I see challenges and things that would normally bring about stress. So these things that would have seriously stressed me out before now feel like a mere shrug of my shoulders and I think, “Meh, I’ll get it done…” Then I do.
A lot of big things have solidified for me lately. Both in regard to my childhood memories and in the things I’m currently doing. I find my psych class the most satisfying of all. I’ve learned so much already about how we process information, why we go down certain paths, about mental illnesses and personality disorders, and I’m now clear that this is the right field for me. Not that I had doubts, but now I know with my all of my being that I’m doing what I want and really need to be doing.
There are really so many positive things that have happened lately that I’m still spinning with excitement and anticipation. The publishing company is going well—though I have learned not to overlap anthologies even if I’m not editing one of them (good to learn these things!), school is going great and despite my hectic schedule and difficult classes, I’m still managing A’s, work is also going well… really the only place I’m suffering is finding as much time to blog and write fiction for myself. I’m still getting my paid writing done, but I miss my free writing. Regardless, I’m doing so well. Even my house is staying clean, which for those of you working lots of hours and having multiple things on your plates know, is fucking hard to accomplish!
I also realized recently that what I thought was a simple health issue is actually an autoimmune disease. Since I was diagnosed so many years ago, I’ll be getting retested just to be sure, but I never realized until a couple of months ago that so many of my symptoms—constant sickness, tiredness, and pain—come from this autoimmune issue. I don’t bring this up to be TMI, but I mention this because had I realized before I took on so much, I might have let that diagnosis limit me. But now I know I can accomplish these things regardless, so it’s not standing in my way.
I have more on my plate than ever in my life and yet I’m not depressed, not suicidal, not unhappy, I’m thriving and full of laughter and joy. And so much of that is due to me embracing who I am and letting go of control in areas where I don’t need to control.
This latter part feels hilarious to me because I’m so damn dominant. Stepping back and not trying to be in control of everything seems like the exact opposite of what a dominant person does. Yet, I have found that healthy dominant people know when they need to lead and know when they need to step back. Choosing where we place our control means that we don’t have to waste energy, and that’s made such a huge difference in my life.
There are still things I want to accomplish. Like getting better about exercise since that’s one area that I’ve found hard to allocate time to. And eating better, since I need to learn meals that are healthy for my body (and my family’s) because what is healthy for others isn’t always healthy for me. But other than that, I’m really on track with where I want to be.
Where I’m at reflected a lot at the last convention I attended. Not only did I approach people that I’d prior been too intimidated to approach (and the conversations were wonderful!), but I also got to attend a kink party. I literally came so much (and hard), and had so many endorphins running through me, that I ended up a drooling pile of pleasure on the floor. That was the first time I’d let go that much in a play space and it was so freeing!
I’m finding the balance that I was worried wouldn’t come. And I’m completely comfortable and happy with who I am. I’m living an amazing life even when there are ups and downs. I’m living a life that I wouldn’t be able to live without all my hard work to heal in both physical and mental/emotional ways. A good life is worth the work it takes to get there. Truly. WORTH THE WORK. 🙂