These past few weeks have been hell. The one time when I can be sure my depression will come back is when I’m sick. And it did, as I knew it would. But this last bit of ick has also come with a bunch of shit that has helped me grow. So while I hate that I’ve been so low, I’m also glad I’ve come away with new understandings.
Some of those understandings are that I don’t respond to helpless ‘backed into a corner’ anger well. It shuts me down fast. So I’m working on that.
I also learned that I put far too much weight into what others think of me still. Which is aggravating to learn, but there it is. And my own views when I’m down just mimic those that have been unkind to me. So much so that when someone makes a statement that isn’t arguing per se, but talking as though I don’t know what I’m talking about, I question myself. It’s ridiculous. If I don’t know what I’m talking about, then I keep my mouth shut. If I say something, it’s because I know what I’m talking about. Period.
I need to stop allowing this to happen. I need to find my worth based on what I think is worthy. I’ve tried in the past but I’ve had too much imposter syndrome still. And when depression and sickness and people fighting everywhere I turn is prominent, I’ve been going right back to that place of listening to the bad things people have told me about myself.
But I’m over that. I’m just done. I have no fucks to give for others’ opinions.
Which brings me to fucking…
Why the hell are we fighting one another? The world is always in chaos. All over. Right now, the US is much worse than it was four years ago (for example), but it’s also better. How? It’s better because people are speaking up. They’re talking and taking action.
When things are going well, people don’t like to rock the boat. They don’t want to shake things up and turn the goodness into a need for change. They are less likely to acknowledge the shit pile that’s always there because when flowers and sunshine are more noticeable, the pile of shit is less visible.
But now, that shit pile has taken over so much. It’s in our faces. It’s insanity on acid. It’s making many of us fill with rage. Others are avoiding. And all I really wanna do is fuck. Yes, fuck like mad. Get it all out through sweet, powerful sex.
Which got me thinking… Why do we–as a species–move straight to dwelling in a place of rage, avoidance, and depression? People made jokes my whole life about the ‘hippi folk’ and yet, the slogan ‘make love, not war’ was really fucking smart.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t stand up for what’s right and protect those being harmed. Quite the opposite actually. What I’m saying is that rather than dwell in rage, avoidance, and depression, we could be letting it out through consensual sex. It can be loving, sweet sex. Powerful and rough sex. Kinky sex. It can be with a lot of people or just one. But sex is powerful. It’s a release.
It’s our core of creation.
What I’ve learned these last couple of days is that I’d rather be fucking for release than dwelling in a bad place. I’ve learned that my worth is determined only by me. And that I’m sensitive–empathetic–and I’m never going to change this about myself. I want to feel it all, even when it’s hard. Because empathy might hurt sometimes, but other times it’s full of beautiful euphoria.
I just need to love. That’s it. Love myself, love life, love others… even when I don’t want to.